No one need ask me "so how was London?" ever again

I wanted to write you this blog from a train again. That would have made it ten times more amazing than it is going to be. However, thanks to National Express I spent my train home from London with no electricity, no wireless connection and consequently no charge in either my laptop or iPod. I actually had to read a fucking book for once. However, the tedious train journey home was the only dampner on what was otherwise one of the best weeks I've ever had.

Since my return I've had to recount my week to so many people and, after describing what I got up to at Holy Moly, almost all of them replied with the same sentence: "Oh, I thought you were just going to be making tea and coffee for them and stuff".

Quite the opposite. In fact, I even had tea made for me at one point.

So, it would seem from people's expectations that work experience, in general, is supposed to be dull, pointless and basically slavery. However, my time at Holy Moly didn't live up to that sorry stereotype and I loved every minute of it.

My first task from Mr HM was to update their 'Celebrity Finder'. If you look at the homepage you'll see a celeb A-Z across the top. It hadn't been updated for a while, so my job was to work out which celebrities weren't included that should be. Once I compiled a list of names, I had to start writing their profiles - along with all their news stories, each person has a brief description summing them up.

Researching the lives of the famous may seem like a monotonous task, but I found it to be great fun and, thanks to Wikipedia, discovered some very interesting facts. Did you know, for example, that 'Ke$ha' once broke into Prince's house because she was so desperate for him to produce her music? Did you know, for example, that Pixie Lott was given said name by her mother because she was a "tiny, cute baby who looked like a fairy"? And did you know, for example, that Danny Dyer is nothing but a knob-end?

Well, I guess you already knew that last one.

Anyway, I wrote twelve profiles in total - some are a bit more scathing than others:


Susan Boyle


Michael McIntyre


Danny Dyer

Ricky Whittle


Joe McElderry

Jedward


Mark Owen


Nicholas Hoult


Pixie Lott


Tiger Woods


Taylor Swift


Ke$ha




Having them published to the website was a privilige in itself so, on Thursday, when Mr HM suggested I write an actual article, I was over the moon. Thursday had been quite a slow news day and, with about an hour left of the day, I realised I wasn't really doing anything productive. My offer of assistance to everyone in office was met by silence until Mr HM piped up with the question: "Why don't you write an article?".

I was chuffed that he had the trust in me to slap my own work across the front of his website - especially as he didn't even read it before it was published. First of all I had to find a story Holy Moly hadn't covered that day, but one that was still credible or merited the term 'news'. Next, I had to write the fucking thing.

I got there in the end, however, and eventually came up with this:

My first Holy Moly article  

Friday proved to be a lot of fun - I ended up writing three more articles for the site.


Brittany Murpy's death was an accident, coroner rules
This was a bit of a tricky one. How are you supposed to make fun of the death of a young girl? Unless you're a cunt, it proves difficult. Aside from one or two digs, this was a fairly straightforward article.


Beyonce releases new fragrance, enlightens everyone
This was another tricky one. How are you supposed to make Beyonce releasing a fragrance into a readable news story? It's hard, but I think I managed to make it a bit more exciting than it sounds. And I had fun captioning the photos too.

John Terry dropped as England captain, wonder who he's landed on this time
This definitely wasn't a tricky one. How are you supposed to make fun of respectable family man being demoted from his job? Turns out it's the most fun you could have on a Friday afternoon.


So that's how I got on at Holy Moly. I had a brilliant time and will hopefully return for more in the future.

But if your question is 'how was London?', then there's many more exciting tales still to be told. I'll keep them brief seeing as this has already become the longest blog ever written.

Take Me Out - Watched this television treat for the first time on Sunday afternoon. We were planning on going out for a day in London, but got so hooked on Paddy McGuinness setting the female cunt demographic up on dates that we had to delay our excursion for an hour. It is 100% trash and 100% genius.

Simon Amstell and Miquita Oliver - First celebrity spot of the week. Bumped into my Popworld heroes whilst taking a stroll down Camden. Miquita was a bit of a mess - staggering about in what looked like a pair of pyjamas.

Peter Serafinowicz - When I found out the funniest man on the planet (probably debatable) was doing his DVD signing just up the road from HM HQ, I couldn't miss out. And it turned out to be worth standing in a cold, dark alleyway for an hour. He signed my copy "To Ally (or Alan, as I like to think of you)" after initial confusion over my name. Here's a photo of the pair of us staring lovingly into each others eyes:

Mock The Week - I've never enjoyed this show. It's completely scripted and the majority of panelists get on my tits. However, I went to see it filmed live and it changed my opinion completely. Especially after watching them rip the shit out of John Terry for half an hour straight.

Harry Hill's TV Burp - It was already exciting enough getting to watch one of the best things on TV shot live. But then Mr HM sent me a message telling me to contact his friend (who works on TV Burp) who could take us backstage after and things became a tiny bit more exciting. The show, as you may have seen on Saturday, was hilarious as ever. And Mr HM was true to his word and I enjoyed a very surreal evening in the TV Burp green room in the company of free food, free drink and eventually, Harry Hill.

Matt Edmondson - Special mention to Matt, the person who provided me with the opportunity of work experience at Holy Moly in the first place. He popped into the office to say hello on Friday, just before he went off to make Fearne Cotton's show listenable. You can hear him on Radio 1 every Friday at around midday.

Tom Basden and Tim Key - They are the names of two funny people (two Perrier award winners, may I add). On my final night in London I was lucky enough to see a play starring those two funny people, amongst a number other funny people. The play was called 'Party', written by Tom Basden, and was being recorded as a sitcom for Radio 4. Said funny people made me laugh a lot and I wouldn't be surprised if the radio sitcom eventually makes it's way to TV.

That's quite enough.

Now go home and never ask me how I got on in London ever again.

Fuck the iPad...

I'm on the internet. On a TRAIN!

That's right - I'm on the 12.30 Edinburgh Waverly - London Kings Cross. I am literally moving across land (and the occasional river) at one hundred miles per hour and writing a blog to you at the same time. I know. I find it difficult to comprehend as well. Surely this must be some kind of technological revolution? Or at least a blogging first? Someone confirm that one for me.


Anyway, as I mentioned, I am currently travelling alone at high speed from Edinburgh to London. Before you question why I am going on a one-man adventure to the busiest city in the country, allow me to explain to you the purpose of my trip. I am doing (gaining? experiencing?) work experience with the entertainment reporting website, Holy Moly. If you've never heard of Holy Moly, then click on the link - it will bring you information, amusement and enlightenment. As you may have noticed, Holy Moly is basically a celebrity gossip website. But it's not like your Heat magazines and your Bizarre columns. They report the latest showbiz news in a much more clever, witty and superior manner. Think of it as a cross between Katie Price and Charlie Brooker.


Back to the train. Let me tell you a bit about my companions on this six hour journey: the man opposite me is drinking red wine like some high-class bastard - if only he knew he looked like an unshaven, denim-clad tramp; the man on my left is listening to his iPod - and probably looking over my shoulder watching me talk about him; while the ginger haired teenager in the corner of my eye is eating a tub of pasta with his fingers - somebody get the boy a fork.


That's enough from me just now. It's 14.49, only three hours and forty minutes to go 'til I arrive in London.

I'll let you know I get on, shall I?

(Enter tennis pun about 'fault' or 'balls' here)

I don't know if any of you watch tennis. I don't know if any of you are up at three in the morning. I don't know if any of you are up watching tennis at three in the morning.

Well I was.

Just last night. Or should I say this morning?

The tennis didn't really interest me. It was Roger Federer. And Roger Federer is a person who, if I was going to insult with a single word, I would call a 'twat'.

What did interest me, however, was the headgear of the ball-boys and ball-girls who appeared on my screen every few minutes.

You will understand why they caught my eye...

As I said, eye-catching.

The Great Twitter Biscuits Debate of 2010

Every day I hear or read of someone knocking Twitter. "It's pointless!", "It's full of attention seekers!", "I don't care whether you're having Corn Flakes or a croissant for breakfast!" are just three of the arguments made day after day by the haters.

But the haters just don't understand Twitter. They don't understand the realm of possibilities Twitter embraces. They don't understand that Twitter can change the world.

In the past Twitter has been used for political campaigning, legal proceedings, powerful protests and life-threatening emergencies. When the US Airways flight 1549 had to crash land in the Hudson River, Twitter was the first to hear, as an onlooker uploaded a photo of the drowned plane and evacuating passengers before any media had arrived on the scene. During the 2008 Mumbai attacks, eyewitnesses sent an estimated 80 tweets every 5 seconds, while Twitter users on the ground helped compile a list of the dead and injured. That's just two examples of the impressive and inspiring influence Twitter has over the world today. However, yesterday Twitter witnessed arguably the most momentous day in its history.

Thursday the 21st of January was the day of The Great Twitter Biscuit Debate of 2010.

And it all started with this innocent tweet from the man known as @adlandsuit:

I proceeded to inform Mr @adlandsuit that I had just eaten a custard cream. He replied with a question. An important question. Yet little did he know that that one, harmless question was about to grip the Twitter world by storm.

@adlandsuit asked me: "What is your favourite biscuit?"

I replied with the obvious answer of custard creams, and instantly we were engaged in a detailed debate about biscuits. And then it hit me:








I knew I was onto something. Had I found the purpose of Twitter? @adlandsuit seemed to think so.

And so The Great Twitter Biscuit Debate of 2010 began.

Before I knew it, the people of Twitter were discussing the pros and cons of every type of biscuit imaginable: from bourbons to digestives, from ginger nuts to party rings. A notable number of Tweeters were publicly claiming their love for a biscuit named 'Choco Lebiniz' - a biscuit which, until this evening, I had never even heard of.

It didn't take long for the biscuit discourse to really take off, with hundreds (possible hyperbole) of people joining in and encouraging others to raise their opinions. The debate was clearly having a profound impact on the lives of some, highlighted by the following tweets:

 

And it wasn't just normal people who wanted to be a part of The Great Twitter Biscuit Debate of 2010. Actual, real, living celebrities wanted in on it too. A whole host of famous names were desperate to join in and provide their opinions on which biscuit rules them all - FIVE in total.

Radio 1's Nihal was the first to chip in with his biscuit analysis:

Next was Channel 4 News anchor Krishnan Guru Murphy:

Limmy took time out from his brand new BBC2 show to raise his view on the pressing issue:

While A-lister Luke Marsden from Big Brother 9 couldn't resist joining in with the debate:

And finally, funnyman Mark Watson from the BBC's 'We Need Answers' and that shit cider advert informed us where his biscuit loyalties lie:

The magnitude of The Great Twitter Biscuit Debate wasn't just down to discovering the nation's number one biscuit. It also unearthed a number of hidden facts about biscuits. For example, did you know that:

Three fresh facts - vital information that I imagine would never have emerged if it hadn't been for Twitter's power to unleash The Great Biscuit Debate of 2010 to people waiting around the world.

It may be brash to describe last night's events as the most historic event of all time; but there is no denying the fact that history was made last night. A crucial day in the history of the world, the history of Twitter and the history of biscuits.

We discovered that Rich Teas are "bland", Bourbon biscuits are "yum yum dipped in tea", Jammy Dodgers are "very dry when not dunked" but - most importantly of all - that chocolate digestives are the nation's favourite biscuit.

You boring bastards.

A blog about how I don't have anything to blog about

We're nineteen days into the year 2010. That's quite a lot of days. So far I have written only one blog. That's not a lot of blogs.

And let's be honest, it wasn't even a good blog. Not very thoughtful, witty or revolutionary (like they usually are) - just a mere update on my current life situation to let you know I was, in fact, still alive.

Anyway, I came on here last night to try and rescind the desperate situation that is my recent lack of blog posts. Yet all I ended up doing was stare at the blank page on the screen headed with the words "Edit Post" and, rather than edit the post as it ordered me to, proceeded to close the page and do something else that required a lot less thought.

I've hit a brick wall in terms of blog inspiration - there's not one topic that has me tapping away tenaciously at the keyboard (unless it's Fearne Cotton or food or something - but we've already covered them). I've come to the conclusion that it's my departure from school that has resulted in the disappearance of creativity and imagination from my brain. Or, to be frank, the fact I've spent the majority of the last week in my bed has meant that I've experienced little or nothing of human life to discuss with you. Unless, that is, you would like me to write a blog on Jeremy Kyle? Actually no, by the time I've woken up at midday I've missed his otherwise delightful show.

So as I mentioned, lying in bed has been the main feature of my new, unemployed lifestyle. And unsurprisingly, from the objects scattered around my bedroom, I am unable to muster much inspiration for an exciting blog post. For example, directly in front of me - apart from a laptop screen - are eight 'Friends' VCRs stacked next to the entire 'Friends' collection on DVD boxset. I could bore you with a blog on how technology has advanced so fast that the once-valuable VCR has now become extinct - but I won't. Because not only would that send you to sleep; it would probably send me to suicide before I'd even finished writing it.

What else is there of note around my bedroom? Some curtains, a straw hat, a cow mask, a kilt. How would you like me to write you a blog about some curtains, a straw hat, a cow mask and a kilt? No, didn't think you would.

So before I sneak back under my bed covers to start yet another TV binge (I finished the 'Six Feet Under' boxset in just over 24 hours yesterday), let's hope that over the course of the next few days I finally stumble across that inspiration that's been avoiding me since the beginning of the year.

I doubt I could keep writing blogs about how I don't have anything to blog about for the next eleven months.

I'm still here

My, Boxing Day seems a long time ago now, doesn't it?

I must apologise for the lack of blog posts over the last 18 days - I know the silence must have been excruciating.

Anyway, in case you were wondering, I'm still here. And I'm back now.

So, what's new? That's the question people ask when they've not seen someone for a long time, isn't it? Just after they've greeted you with the phrase "hello stranger!" What a witty phrase that is.

I'll the answer the question to save you asking it.

First of all, I don't go to school anymore. Having been developed, disciplined and demented by it for the last nine years of my life, I am no longer part of the education system. It was kind of my plan all along, to be honest: work hard in 5th year to get the grades I need for university/credibility, allowing me to basically fuck about this year and eventually leave after the school ski trip. So now I've accomplished my plan, I have finally waved good by to high school.

Now what do I do?

Well, I'm on the hunt for a job. That was another part of the plan: get a job to actually earn some money once you've left school. Not accomplished that part yet.

So if anyone has a job for me, knows of anyone who has a job for me or needs a personal assistant (I'd be a good one) then let me know - I'm cheap!

I am writing this blog from my bed. I've been lying in my bed for the majority of the last three days. It's been nice - I like my bed. But it's inevitably going to become mind-numbing eventually, so I need a job ASAP.

In the meantime I'll continue to lie in my bed and continue to refresh Twitter and Facebook in the futile hope that someone else who doesn't have a life has something interesting to say.

Bye for now.x

My 2009 in Lists

Everyone loves a list.

Admit it - you can't get enough of them.

When the clocks chimed twelve on the 1st of January this year you were naturally very excited. What were you excited about, though?

Was it for the thrilling prospect of another twelve months of your perfect life? Was it for a fresh start for a new year - 2009 - a 'new you'? Was it because you had 'BIG PLANS' for the new year? Or was it because you were already very drunk and looking forward to going back to the party to drink some more?

No. It was none of these reasons.

The reason you were excited for the year ahead was because you knew that in less than 365 days time you would be able to read list after list on 2009's highlights and lowlights, best this and worst that, favourite him and favourite her, biggest tit and biggest twat.

I am already trying to calm my nerves at the thought of 2010 in list form.

In the meantime, however, here is my 2009 in lists. They may or may not be in order. There's links on some of the contenders as well for a deeper insight into their contribution to this year. Let's see how it goes...

Best things I've done this year
1. Started a blog
2. Got into uni
3. Received a kiss (blown) from Frankie Sandford and held Florence Welch's hand in the same weekend
4. Performed as JLS at the school's Christmas charity concert (aka JLSbians/GayLS)
5. Waved goodbye to Bebo and greeted hello to Facebook and Twitter

Worst things I've done this year
1. Had my wallet stolen at T in the Park (goodbye £100, credit card, happiness and enjoyment)
2. Watched the film 'Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging'
3. Lost my phone for a day
4. Had my trusty camera and life-long friend die on me at the very start of the Christmas Dance
5. Allowed Facebook and Twitter to take over my life

Greatest television events of the year

1. Hollyoaks: Later
2. X Factor
3. Peep Show Series 6
4. Dexter Seasons 3 and 4
5. Come Dine With Me marathons on More4
6. Hole In The Wall episode 7 (cos I'm on it)
7. Nick Griffin on Question Time
8. Psychoville

Favourite songs
1. Rabbit Heart (Florence & The Machine)
2. Battlefield (Jordin Sparks)
3. Gem Of A Bird (The View)
4. Pull My Heart Away (Jack Penate)
5. Winter Winds (Mumford and Sons)
5 ½. Everybody In Love (JLS)

Least favourite Songs
1. Boom Boom Pow (Black Eyed Peas)
2. Bulletproof (La Roux)
3. I Know You Want Me (Pitbull)
4. We Are Golden (Mika)
5. I Got A Feeling (Black Eyed Peas)
5 ½. 28,000 Friends (Eoghan Quigg)


The only 3 albums where I love every song
1. Florence & The Machine - Lungs
2. Jack Penate - Everything Is New
3. The View - Which Bitch?

Top 5 Michael Owens quotes
1. "I'm gonna ram it, I'm gonna ram it, I'm gonna ram it in your nose. So you get the worst cold you've had in many a year" (in song form)
2. "Out of all the people here, I'm probably the classiest" (said with a can of Strongbow in hand, adorning a Girls Aloud t-shirt)
3. "I'm not an idiot! Don't mess with the Owensy!"
4.  "Matt, you can shit on my floor if you like"
5. "Here comes the vodka monster! His hands are covered in vodka!"


Most said phrase of 2009
1. "RIP [enter famous name here]"

Least said phrase of 2009
1. "This is a really good episode of Horne and Corden"
 

Tits and Twats of 2009
1. Dappy from N Dubz
2. Fearne Cotton
3. Ben from the Apprentice
4. All the Black Eyed Peas
5. Danyl Johnson, Lloyd Daniels, Rachel Adedeji, Jedward and Louis Walsh
6. Marcus from Big Brother
7. Everyone at the Daily Mail
8. 'Nihal'
9. Kerry Katona/Katie Price/Peaches Geldof/Adolf Hitler etc
10. Michael McIntyre


Funniest people
1. Kevin Bridges
2. Peter Serafinowicz
3. Peter 'PopJustice' Robinson
4. Matt Edmondson
5. Eamonn Forde off of Twitter


Condiment of the year
1. Sweet Chilli Sauce

Funniest weeks of the year
1. June 30th-July 4th - a week in Rome that I'll never forget with (nearly) all my closest friends
2. 14th-18th December - my last week of school, including: a brand new common room I helped make; the Christmas Dance and another classic Stobo after-dance; the morning after spent having a hungover sing-along in the common room; the Charity Concert featuring a now legendary performance by JLS and an emotional final day at school
 3. 10th-15th August - a week of non-stop laughing at the Edinburgh Festival (highlights included Kevin Bridges, Simon Amstell, Tom Basden, Tom Bell, David O'Doherty, Tim Key and meeting Scott Mills)
4. 3rd - 11th October - school trip to New York and Washington - first trip to the USA and a hole in my pocket



The darkest day of 2009
1. Monday 21st September - the day Fearne Cotton took over from Jo Whiley on BBC Radio 1



The year got off to a bad start with school taking over my life and exams looming. However, as the second half of the year began things started to pick up. Despite a worldwide recession, famous faces perishing by the second, swine flu terrorising the nation and the depressing decline of Katie and Peter's love leading to the even more depressing incline of Katie and Peter's media domination; 2009 soon got its act together. And as long it keeps up the good work for just one more week it shall go down as my favourite year yet.

Congratulations, 2009.

The Other Days: Good, Bad and Bye

Woops, I've been so busy that I've forgotten to tell you about the other three days of Sweden. That's old news now and probably not very exciting at all so I'll just briefly brush over it.

Wednesday - The best day. We 'swam in the water barrell' at Bobbo's. Translation? We went in his hot tub.

Thursday - The worst day. We drove three hours to a Monastery. No more need be said.

Friday - We went home.

That should sum it up for you.


I've been to five countries this year and, if I'm honest, Sweden probably ranks at the bottom. But that's not to say it wasn't a good trip. We had a great time and laughed a lot (which is the sign of a good holiday). The only problem was the sheer lack of anything to do combined with the lifelessness and unpleasant temperature of the country itself. Unsurprisingly harsh considering the last holiday I had been on before Sweden was to New York.

In the meantime, here are some things I noticed about Sweden during my visit.

1. They have GREAT signs

2. They use jam instead of ketchup.


3. They're all obsessed with sparkling water and every house owns a SodaStream.



4. Their sweets are SHIT.


That is all.

Day Two: Kilts, bagpipes and haggis

KNOCK KNOCK. "yooh ah-wayk Ali?" Yes, I have been awake for the last 20 minutes waiting for you to permit, vocally, to get out of bed. Thank you.

We eventually set off to the bus on foot in the absolute pitch black and what can only be described as minus two degrees Celsius. I am now on the school bus sitting next to my new Swedish friend surrounded by 40 other Swedish eyes all fixed on me. This is bizarre.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that the ‘purpose’/excuse for the trip to Sweden was to promote Scotland. Thus, we had to prepare a presentation on Scotland in advance and bring it with us. You will then understand our delight when we arrive at their school and are informed that we have to do our presentation – which we prepared two days ago and have practised once – seven times today, to seven different Swedish classes.

We change into our kilts – because obviously we have to look as Scottish as possible for our presentation on Scotland. And adorning a kilt is looking as Scottish as possible because all Scottish people wear a kilt every day of their life.

This is the first time I have ever worn a kilt.

All seven presentations go surprisingly well – with at least one technical hitch every time. However, most of the time they just giggled, pointed and gazed at our skirts. In case you were wondering, the Swedish students are familiar with the work of The Proclaimers, but not so much Calvin Harris.

It would appear they don't have school bells in Sweden, but apparently it's now time to go back to my Swedish home. She eventually pops the inevitably ensuing question: ““so... erm, what do you want to do?” I suggest the TV.

We watch some terrible programme for 15 minutes, which is basically The Apprentice for models. Instead of Alan Sugar they get Alan Sugar-lumps. Thankfully she suggests we watch a film – she allows me to pick. The longer the better I realise (less silences to contend with), have you got Titanic?

We watch the film, it’s not Titanic, but it isn’t too bad and it passes the time perfectly. If only we could just watch it twice more, then it would likely be time for bed. We don’t, however. We have dinner instead.

Dinner time alone with a Swedish family is probably one of the most surreal experiences of my life. I could never have imagined myself every ending up in this situation. Yet here I am enjoying a lovely lasagne with the Emmuelsons.

After dinner, we play some more Wii. I finally win at Mario Kart. But my joy is followed by a moment of misery as we try our hand at bowling. I throw my hand forward to bowl the graphic bowling ball, but rather than hit the air with my controller, I smash it off the coffee table. It breaks.

Woops. Perhaps I should retreat to bed in shame. Goodnight.

Day One: A day of firsts (and WILLY:S)

I set off to the airport at 7am, and little do I know that I am going to be encountering this dreadfully dark hour for the rest of the week. I am meeting up with the rest of the group in our connecting city of Amsterdam so I do the first leg of my travels alone. 

It’s the first time I have travelled all alone. It’s just the same really – only a bit lonelier. That probably explains the ‘lone’ bit in ‘alone’.

I get on the plane and notice they have rows of two seats, rather than the usual three. As soon as I sit down next to my flight companion – a forty-something suited businessman, just like everyone else – the song ‘Just The Two Of Us’ start to play from the speakers above. Is this fate? Or is just KLM being a sly bastard?

The flight passes quickly – still lonely, mind you. The only thing me and the businessmen have in common is that we are all tapping away on our laptops. The only difference is I am writing a blog and they are probably on Microsoft Excel writing about the FTSE 100 (can you tell I didn’t do Business Studies at school?).

We land. My first impression of Amsterdam? They have oddly shaped roofs.

I eventually meet up with the rest of the group, the majority of whom are fast asleep on their comfy, metal airport chairs – they’d already been there four hours. However, before I have the chance to say “thank you pleash” I have left Amsterdam and am on my way to Gothenburg.

No apt songs from the speakers this time. Although we do receive a nice, complimentary sandwich. Mine had the world 'klomp' on it. This amused me.

We land. My first impression of Sweden? It’s not what they make it out to be in IKEA.

We are met by a man who asks “you Peebles?” who then drives us off to the school in a dodgy minibus (the seat at the back isn’t actually screwed into the floor). We spend the journey speculating/shitting ourselves about the prospect of a week on our own with a Swedish family. What will they feed us? What will they do with us? What will they do to us? What will they smell like? Fortunately a shop called “WILLY:S” distracts us from our nerves for a moment or two.

Finally we arrive at the school, where we encounter our first awkward moment of the week. The six Scottish teenagers stand on one side of the room; with the Swedish teenagers at the other. There’s a ten second silence as we have an impromptu staring contest. One girl bursts out into a giggle. Scotland wins. Eventually enough courage is mustered up to wander across and introduce ourselves. More giggling occurs – at least we’re not the only nervous ones.

The next two hours is spent playing table tennis, pool and cards. Not much talking occurs apart from the obvious “so you have long journey?”, “you must be tired?” etc.

When my exchange girl Johanna announces it’s time to leave I suddenly feel a little bit sick as it finally hits me that I am about to become the member of a Swedish family for a week. As a say goodbye to my friends, I feel like a five-year-old boy on his first day at school: “I DON’T WANT TO GO, MUMMY!” Alas, I am a seventeen-year-old boy with no Mummy to grab onto.

The car journey there isn’t very eventful. Only three questions are asked:

“you hungry?” “I hope you are not afraid of cats?” “you must be tired?” (again)

On arrival, I place my bags upstairs and then head back down to meet my new family. Soon after that awkward, silence-following question is asked which I can tell is going to be the bane of my life for the next week: “so... erm, what do you want to do?” It’s asked another three times (followed by another three silences) before we sit down to play the Wii.

As we play, the daunting thought crosses my mind that this game can only last for so long – soon she’ll have to ask that question again. As it turns out, Johanna is quite good at Mario Kart (I am shit). Later, she lets me roam about Facebook for a little while – quite pathetically its home-reality was very comforting after a day of unique experiences.