A million sheep later...

It's been a long weekend. You're physically deceased and emotionally drained after yet another scandalous result on X Factor. All you want to do is jump into bed and have a nice, early night.

The lights are off and the TV's on a 30 minute timer - Holly and co on the Xtra Factor will inevitably send you to sleep. Yet, one hour's gone and you're still wide awake.

You all know the situation. If sleeping is one of the perks of life; then not sleeping is one of the jerks of life. In fact, can't-get-to-sleep syndrome is probably the worst side-effect of living (runner up: dying). It's only a few hours lying awake in bed, but it genuinely feels like an entire month goes by when you're there.

So what do you do? How do you just 'fall asleep'?

Once you're helpful companion, the digital clock perched on your desk becomes your enemy. You can't help but keep on checking the time - it's deliberate - just to increase your frustration at each minute eating into your planned sleeping time.

In the short space of five minutes, you have rolled over to face one side of the room and then back to face the other eight times. In that five minutes, you've also managed to turn the pillow over so many times that there is no longer a 'cold side'. Let's face it, sleep's against you tonight - it's not happening. Whatever happens, you're going to be knackered in the morning.

It's 2am. Fuck off, clock.

Perhaps it's time for some drastic action. Before that, you decide to try out the coffin position. Lying completely straight in the centre of the bed, you close your eyes and hope for the best. What the fuck are you doing? That has never worked, and it never will.

Drastic action it is, then. It's time for the sheep.

You're helpless. You've tried everything. No one will blame you for doing it - you had no choice. Here goes...

1 sheep, 2 sheep, 3 sheep, 4 sheep, 5 sheep...

3am. Shit.

Eventually it just happens - as it was supposed to five hours ago. The next thing you know, it's 8am and Chris Moyles is yapping away in your ear.

Finally, it's a new day. As a fresh start, you forgive the clock and rekindle your friendship.

Not an enjoyable experience, is it? The worst bit is that knowledge lurking around in your head that you need to sleep. That's what's preventing it.  You end up making orders to your brain, silently demanding that it "GO TO SLEEP!". Inside, they're all just laughing at you. All those bastard cells.

What's to bet I don't get to sleep tonight? Bastards.