Hello there

Goodbye!

2010-03-13T11:26:00.000-08:00

Here we go again, then.

I am sat on a train heading London-wards. Out of the window on my left the sun is creeping up behind the hill in the distance as the train drifts past, while the uplifting tones of Mumford & Sons play in my ears. It's like one of those overly-emotional montages in a soap-opera where the departing character helplessly runs their finger down the window pane, tears rolling down their cheeks. Or rather, it would be like that had Spotify not just rudely interrupted this beautiful moment with another one of their mind-numbing adverts.

This is my first blog since Thursday the 25th of February. It's now Saturday the 13th of March. We're actually in another month now (a much better month, may I add). So it's been over two whole weeks since I last posted you a blog and filled you with wisdom, pleasure and basically lifted your mood to a level you didn't even know existed. For that, I am ashamed of myself. You deserve better.

Saying that, however, I have good reason for the lack of blogs in recent days. Coincidentally, that good reason is also the reason I am currently on board the 16:00 train from Edinburgh to London (again).

You may remember that back at the very end of January, I was sitting on this very train, about to embark on a week's work experience in London with HolyMoly. It's fair to say my week at HolyMoly was above average (read me rave about it here) and, if given the chance, would have done it again twelve times over.

So imagine my delight when I receive an email from Mr HolyMoly giving me the chance to do that week twelve times over with the offer of a three-month, paid internship with them. You have a very accurate imagination - I was, indeed, pretty fucking delighted.

Quite a big step, fucking off to London for 1/4 of the year at the age of seventeen. Hence some (quite a lot) of hesitation over the offer initially. But with the only alternative being bumming around in Scotland's most lifeless town, doing the odd waiting shift at the local café; you will agree that this was too good an opportunity to miss.

So off I fuck to London, to HolyMoly, to independence, to this thing called 'a life' (me neither). I'll make sure I update you (REGULARLY) along the way.

It's getting dark outside. If I were in Hollyoaks, the compulsory 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol would now be rousing behind me as I go.

(Don't) Say Cheese!

2010-02-25T12:56:00.000-08:00

Smiling for photos - awkward, isn't it?

On the awkward stakes it's up there with that moment when you cross paths with someone on the pavement and do a little dance with them because you both keep going the same way.

Take a look at this example of an awkward smile I found on Google images:

What. A. Cunt.

It's not her fault though. Unless you're blessed with the perfect lips, cheeks and teeth; the same thing happens every time someone shoves a camera in your face - it's just fucking awkward.

First of all there's the inital panic of how you should position your mouth. Should you open or close it? Should you show the world your teeth or keep them hidden? Should you do a cheesy smile or just go for low-key happiness?

Second of all, once you've chosen your pose, you have to try and hold it while whoever's taking the photo positions the camera and looks for the right button to press. That's the worst part. Sometimes you are just standing there smiling unaturally and unnecessarily for a straight 30 seconds looking and feeling like a twat.

Video evidence

HOWEVER, a couple of years ago I came up with a way to avoid this uncomfortable experience. And I am now going to share it with you...

All you have to do is LAUGH.

Pretend to laugh.

Every time someone goes to take a photo of you, don't fake a smile; fake a laugh. Imagine the photographer has just told you the world's most hilarious joke. Laugh at the hypothetical joke. The people around you may question your sanity; but they'll take back that cynicism once they've seen how natural you look and how awkward they look.

Allow me to present to you the first ever fake-laugh photo:

The contrast between Suzanne's face and mine proves the success of my method.

I'll admit, in some cases it can go wrong. See here:

1. You can see right down the back of my throat.
2. Hannah just looks like a tit.

But, on the whole, it does work. And most importantly, it always makes for a much more natural, much less awkward photograph.

So the next time someone pulls a camera out their pocket and forces the lens in your face, just laugh.

Thanks to me you will never have to fear a photo again.

How do you like your eggs in the morning?

2010-02-18T13:20:00.000-08:00

I like mine boiled, fried, poached, scrambled and omeletted.

It was Ash Wednesday, the day succeeding Pancake Day. In the expectation that I would be making pancakes on the one day where you're supposed to, I had purchased two boxes of eggs. However, in a tragic turn of events, no pancakes were made and the eggs were left un-used and un-loved in their box.

Twelve lonely eggs lay there, waiting to be cracked open. I had to take some action.

"I know", I announced to my helpless friends, "why don't we cook every type of egg imaginable?". The proposition was obviously met with wild enthusiasm and agreement and, before long, Ash Wednesday had become

EGG WEDNESDAY

Shells were cracked, yolks were spilled, tears were shed but, ultimately, eggs were made. Not just eggs; but history.

The egg-making soon developed into a contest. People were prepared to give their lives to win the Egg Wednesday crown.

The contenders were as follows:

Michael for both his fried and pathetically poached eggs

Anna for her omelette

Me for my scrambled eggs

Ellie for her boiled egg

A few thoughts that will probably (definitely) have crossed your mind there:

1. "Is Michael Chinese?" - no, he's just doing the cuntiest smile ever.
2. "That is the worst poached egg I have ever laid eyes on" - I couldn't agree more.
3. "Not a bad omlette - looks a bit like a pancake" - despite its pancake aesthetics, it tasted very pleasant.
4. "Fucking hell, that is the most beautiful plate of scrambled eggs I have ever seen" - they tasted fucking beautiful as well.
5. "Why is Ally wearing a sun-hat?" - good question - one which I don't know the answer to either.
6. "I like the presentation of the boiled egg" - thanks, I did that.

So once everyone (apart from Ellie, who "doesn't eat eggs") had given each of the eggs a taste, it was time to find the winner of Egg Wednesday.

The voting lines were open. For about a minute. The voting lines were then closed.

The votes were counted and verified, and I can now reveal that... the winner of Egg Wednesday 2010 was:

MY scrambled eggs were the winner of Egg Wednesday 2010. The proudest moment of my life.

What was my prize?

An egg, obviously.

Modern Day Dictionary

2010-02-16T02:01:00.000-08:00

cunt
n.

1. Ashley Cole

No one need ask me "so how was London?" ever again

2010-02-09T10:15:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write you this blog from a train again. That would have made it ten times more amazing than it is going to be. However, thanks to National Express I spent my train home from London with no electricity, no wireless connection and consequently no charge in either my laptop or iPod. I actually had to read a fucking book for once. However, the tedious train journey home was the only dampner on what was otherwise one of the best weeks I've ever had.

Since my return I've had to recount my week to so many people and, after describing what I got up to at Holy Moly, almost all of them replied with the same sentence: "Oh, I thought you were just going to be making tea and coffee for them and stuff".

Quite the opposite. In fact, I even had tea made for me at one point.

So, it would seem from people's expectations that work experience, in general, is supposed to be dull, pointless and basically slavery. However, my time at Holy Moly didn't live up to that sorry stereotype and I loved every minute of it.

My first task from Mr HM was to update their 'Celebrity Finder'. If you look at the homepage you'll see a celeb A-Z across the top. It hadn't been updated for a while, so my job was to work out which celebrities weren't included that should be. Once I compiled a list of names, I had to start writing their profiles - along with all their news stories, each person has a brief description summing them up.

Researching the lives of the famous may seem like a monotonous task, but I found it to be great fun and, thanks to Wikipedia, discovered some very interesting facts. Did you know, for example, that 'Ke$ha' once broke into Prince's house because she was so desperate for him to produce her music? Did you know, for example, that Pixie Lott was given said name by her mother because she was a "tiny, cute baby who looked like a fairy"? And did you know, for example, that Danny Dyer is nothing but a knob-end?

Well, I guess you already knew that last one.

Anyway, I wrote twelve profiles in total - some are a bit more scathing than others:

Susan Boyle

Michael McIntyre

Danny Dyer

Ricky Whittle

Joe McElderry

Jedward

Mark Owen

Nicholas Hoult

Pixie Lott

Tiger Woods

Taylor Swift

Ke$ha

Having them published to the website was a privilige in itself so, on Thursday, when Mr HM suggested I write an actual article, I was over the moon. Thursday had been quite a slow news day and, with about an hour left of the day, I realised I wasn't really doing anything productive. My offer of assistance to everyone in office was met by silence until Mr HM piped up with the question: "Why don't you write an article?".

I was chuffed that he had the trust in me to slap my own work across the front of his website - especially as he didn't even read it before it was published. First of all I had to find a story Holy Moly hadn't covered that day, but one that was still credible or merited the term 'news'. Next, I had to write the fucking thing.

I got there in the end, however, and eventually came up with this:

My first Holy Moly article

Friday proved to be a lot of fun - I ended up writing three more articles for the site.

Brittany Murpy's death was an accident, coroner rules
This was a bit of a tricky one. How are you supposed to make fun of the death of a young girl? Unless you're a cunt, it proves difficult. Aside from one or two digs, this was a fairly straightforward article.

Beyonce releases new fragrance, enlightens everyone
This was another tricky one. How are you supposed to make Beyonce releasing a fragrance into a readable news story? It's hard, but I think I managed to make it a bit more exciting than it sounds. And I had fun captioning the photos too.

John Terry dropped as England captain, wonder who he's landed on this time
This definitely wasn't a tricky one. How are you supposed to make fun of respectable family man being demoted from his job? Turns out it's the most fun you could have on a Friday afternoon.

So that's how I got on at Holy Moly. I had a brilliant time and will hopefully return for more in the future.

But if your question is 'how was London?', then there's many more exciting tales still to be told. I'll keep them brief seeing as this has already become the longest blog ever written.

Take Me Out - Watched this television treat for the first time on Sunday afternoon. We were planning on going out for a day in London, but got so hooked on Paddy McGuinness setting the female cunt demographic up on dates that we had to delay our excursion for an hour. It is 100% trash and 100% genius.

Simon Amstell and Miquita Oliver - First celebrity spot of the week. Bumped into my Popworld heroes whilst taking a stroll down Camden. Miquita was a bit of a mess - staggering about in what looked like a pair of pyjamas.

Peter Serafinowicz - When I found out the funniest man on the planet (probably debatable) was doing his DVD signing just up the road from HM HQ, I couldn't miss out. And it turned out to be worth standing in a cold, dark alleyway for an hour. He signed my copy "To Ally (or Alan, as I like to think of you)" after initial confusion over my name. Here's a photo of the pair of us staring lovingly into each others eyes:

Mock The Week - I've never enjoyed this show. It's completely scripted and the majority of panelists get on my tits. However, I went to see it filmed live and it changed my opinion completely. Especially after watching them rip the shit out of John Terry for half an hour straight.

Harry Hill's TV Burp - It was already exciting enough getting to watch one of the best things on TV shot live. But then Mr HM sent me a message telling me to contact his friend (who works on TV Burp) who could take us backstage after and things became a tiny bit more exciting. The show, as you may have seen on Saturday, was hilarious as ever. And Mr HM was true to his word and I enjoyed a very surreal evening in the TV Burp green room in the company of free food, free drink and eventually, Harry Hill.

Matt Edmondson - Special mention to Matt, the person who provided me with the opportunity of work experience at Holy Moly in the first place. He popped into the office to say hello on Friday, just before he went off to make Fearne Cotton's show listenable. You can hear him on Radio 1 every Friday at around midday.

Tom Basden and Tim Key - They are the names of two funny people (two Perrier award winners, may I add). On my final night in London I was lucky enough to see a play starring those two funny people, amongst a number other funny people. The play was called 'Party', written by Tom Basden, and was being recorded as a sitcom for Radio 4. Said funny people made me laugh a lot and I wouldn't be surprised if the radio sitcom eventually makes it's way to TV.

That's quite enough.

Now go home and never ask me how I got on in London ever again.

Fuck the iPad...

2010-01-30T06:50:00.000-08:00

I'm on the internet. On a TRAIN!

That's right - I'm on the 12.30 Edinburgh Waverly - London Kings Cross. I am literally moving across land (and the occasional river) at one hundred miles per hour and writing a blog to you at the same time. I know. I find it difficult to comprehend as well. Surely this must be some kind of technological revolution? Or at least a blogging first? Someone confirm that one for me.

Anyway, as I mentioned, I am currently travelling alone at high speed from Edinburgh to London. Before you question why I am going on a one-man adventure to the busiest city in the country, allow me to explain to you the purpose of my trip. I am doing (gaining? experiencing?) work experience with the entertainment reporting website, Holy Moly. If you've never heard of Holy Moly, then click on the link - it will bring you information, amusement and enlightenment. As you may have noticed, Holy Moly is basically a celebrity gossip website. But it's not like your Heat magazines and your Bizarre columns. They report the latest showbiz news in a much more clever, witty and superior manner. Think of it as a cross between Katie Price and Charlie Brooker.

Back to the train. Let me tell you a bit about my companions on this six hour journey: the man opposite me is drinking red wine like some high-class bastard - if only he knew he looked like an unshaven, denim-clad tramp; the man on my left is listening to his iPod - and probably looking over my shoulder watching me talk about him; while the ginger haired teenager in the corner of my eye is eating a tub of pasta with his fingers - somebody get the boy a fork.

That's enough from me just now. It's 14.49, only three hours and forty minutes to go 'til I arrive in London.

I'll let you know I get on, shall I?

(Enter tennis pun about 'fault' or 'balls' here)

2010-01-28T15:36:00.000-08:00

I don't know if any of you watch tennis. I don't know if any of you are up at three in the morning. I don't know if any of you are up watching tennis at three in the morning.

Well I was.

Just last night. Or should I say this morning?

The tennis didn't really interest me. It was Roger Federer. And Roger Federer is a person who, if I was going to insult with a single word, I would call a 'twat'.

What did interest me, however, was the headgear of the ball-boys and ball-girls who appeared on my screen every few minutes.

You will understand why they caught my eye...

As I said, eye-catching.

The Great Twitter Biscuits Debate of 2010

2010-01-21T18:14:00.000-08:00

Every day I hear or read of someone knocking Twitter. "It's pointless!", "It's full of attention seekers!", "I don't care whether you're having Corn Flakes or a croissant for breakfast!" are just three of the arguments made day after day by the haters.

But the haters just don't understand Twitter. They don't understand the realm of possibilities Twitter embraces. They don't understand that Twitter can change the world.

In the past Twitter has been used for political campaigning, legal proceedings, powerful protests and life-threatening emergencies. When the US Airways flight 1549 had to crash land in the Hudson River, Twitter was the first to hear, as an onlooker uploaded a photo of the drowned plane and evacuating passengers before any media had arrived on the scene. During the 2008 Mumbai attacks, eyewitnesses sent an estimated 80 tweets every 5 seconds, while Twitter users on the ground helped compile a list of the dead and injured. That's just two examples of the impressive and inspiring influence Twitter has over the world today. However, yesterday Twitter witnessed arguably the most momentous day in its history.

Thursday the 21st of January was the day of The Great Twitter Biscuit Debate of 2010.

And it all started with this innocent tweet from the man known as @adlandsuit:

I proceeded to inform Mr @adlandsuit that I had just eaten a custard cream. He replied with a question. An important question. Yet little did he know that that one, harmless question was about to grip the Twitter world by storm.

@adlandsuit asked me: "What is your favourite biscuit?"

I replied with the obvious answer of custard creams, and instantly we were engaged in a detailed debate about biscuits. And then it hit me:

I knew I was onto something. Had I found the purpose of Twitter? @adlandsuit seemed to think so.

And so The Great Twitter Biscuit Debate of 2010 began.

Before I knew it, the people of Twitter were discussing the pros and cons of every type of biscuit imaginable: from bourbons to digestives, from ginger nuts to party rings. A notable number of Tweeters were publicly claiming their love for a biscuit named 'Choco Lebiniz' - a biscuit which, until this evening, I had never even heard of.

It didn't take long for the biscuit discourse to really take off, with hundreds (possible hyperbole) of people joining in and encouraging others to raise their opinions. The debate was clearly having a profound impact on the lives of some, highlighted by the following tweets:

And it wasn't just normal people who wanted to be a part of The Great Twitter Biscuit Debate of 2010. Actual, real, living celebrities wanted in on it too. A whole host of famous names were desperate to join in and provide their opinions on which biscuit rules them all - FIVE in total.

Radio 1's Nihal was the first to chip in with his biscuit analysis:

Next was Channel 4 News anchor Krishnan Guru Murphy:

Limmy took time out from his brand new BBC2 show to raise his view on the pressing issue:

While A-lister Luke Marsden from Big Brother 9 couldn't resist joining in with the debate:

And finally, funnyman Mark Watson from the BBC's 'We Need Answers' and that shit cider advert informed us where his biscuit loyalties lie:

The magnitude of The Great Twitter Biscuit Debate wasn't just down to discovering the nation's number one biscuit. It also unearthed a number of hidden facts about biscuits. For example, did you know that:

Three fresh facts - vital information that I imagine would never have emerged if it hadn't been for Twitter's power to unleash The Great Biscuit Debate of 2010 to people waiting around the world.

It may be brash to describe last night's events as the most historic event of all time; but there is no denying the fact that history was made last night. A crucial day in the history of the world, the history of Twitter and the history of biscuits.

We discovered that Rich Teas are "bland", Bourbon biscuits are "yum yum dipped in tea", Jammy Dodgers are "very dry when not dunked" but - most importantly of all - that chocolate digestives are the nation's favourite biscuit.

You boring bastards.

A blog about how I don't have anything to blog about

2010-01-19T13:50:00.000-08:00

We're nineteen days into the year 2010. That's quite a lot of days. So far I have written only one blog. That's not a lot of blogs.

And let's be honest, it wasn't even a good blog. Not very thoughtful, witty or revolutionary (like they usually are) - just a mere update on my current life situation to let you know I was, in fact, still alive.

Anyway, I came on here last night to try and rescind the desperate situation that is my recent lack of blog posts. Yet all I ended up doing was stare at the blank page on the screen headed with the words "Edit Post" and, rather than edit the post as it ordered me to, proceeded to close the page and do something else that required a lot less thought.

I've hit a brick wall in terms of blog inspiration - there's not one topic that has me tapping away tenaciously at the keyboard (unless it's Fearne Cotton or food or something - but we've already covered them). I've come to the conclusion that it's my departure from school that has resulted in the disappearance of creativity and imagination from my brain. Or, to be frank, the fact I've spent the majority of the last week in my bed has meant that I've experienced little or nothing of human life to discuss with you. Unless, that is, you would like me to write a blog on Jeremy Kyle? Actually no, by the time I've woken up at midday I've missed his otherwise delightful show.

So as I mentioned, lying in bed has been the main feature of my new, unemployed lifestyle. And unsurprisingly, from the objects scattered around my bedroom, I am unable to muster much inspiration for an exciting blog post. For example, directly in front of me - apart from a laptop screen - are eight 'Friends' VCRs stacked next to the entire 'Friends' collection on DVD boxset. I could bore you with a blog on how technology has advanced so fast that the once-valuable VCR has now become extinct - but I won't. Because not only would that send you to sleep; it would probably send me to suicide before I'd even finished writing it.

What else is there of note around my bedroom? Some curtains, a straw hat, a cow mask, a kilt. How would you like me to write you a blog about some curtains, a straw hat, a cow mask and a kilt? No, didn't think you would.

So before I sneak back under my bed covers to start yet another TV binge (I finished the 'Six Feet Under' boxset in just over 24 hours yesterday), let's hope that over the course of the next few days I finally stumble across that inspiration that's been avoiding me since the beginning of the year.

I doubt I could keep writing blogs about how I don't have anything to blog about for the next eleven months.

I'm still here

2010-01-13T07:59:00.000-08:00

My, Boxing Day seems a long time ago now, doesn't it?

I must apologise for the lack of blog posts over the last 18 days - I know the silence must have been excruciating.

Anyway, in case you were wondering, I'm still here. And I'm back now.

So, what's new? That's the question people ask when they've not seen someone for a long time, isn't it? Just after they've greeted you with the phrase "hello stranger!" What a witty phrase that is.

I'll the answer the question to save you asking it.

First of all, I don't go to school anymore. Having been developed, disciplined and demented by it for the last nine years of my life, I am no longer part of the education system. It was kind of my plan all along, to be honest: work hard in 5th year to get the grades I need for university/credibility, allowing me to basically fuck about this year and eventually leave after the school ski trip. So now I've accomplished my plan, I have finally waved good by to high school.

Now what do I do?

Well, I'm on the hunt for a job. That was another part of the plan: get a job to actually earn some money once you've left school. Not accomplished that part yet.

So if anyone has a job for me, knows of anyone who has a job for me or needs a personal assistant (I'd be a good one) then let me know - I'm cheap!

I am writing this blog from my bed. I've been lying in my bed for the majority of the last three days. It's been nice - I like my bed. But it's inevitably going to become mind-numbing eventually, so I need a job ASAP.

In the meantime I'll continue to lie in my bed and continue to refresh Twitter and Facebook in the futile hope that someone else who doesn't have a life has something interesting to say.

Bye for now.x

My 2009 in Lists

2009-12-26T08:44:00.000-08:00

Everyone loves a list.

Admit it - you can't get enough of them.

When the clocks chimed twelve on the 1st of January this year you were naturally very excited. What were you excited about, though?

Was it for the thrilling prospect of another twelve months of your perfect life? Was it for a fresh start for a new year - 2009 - a 'new you'? Was it because you had 'BIG PLANS' for the new year? Or was it because you were already very drunk and looking forward to going back to the party to drink some more?

No. It was none of these reasons.

The reason you were excited for the year ahead was because you knew that in less than 365 days time you would be able to read list after list on 2009's highlights and lowlights, best this and worst that, favourite him and favourite her, biggest tit and biggest twat.

I am already trying to calm my nerves at the thought of 2010 in list form.

In the meantime, however, here is my 2009 in lists. They may or may not be in order. There's links on some of the contenders as well for a deeper insight into their contribution to this year. Let's see how it goes...

Best things I've done this year
1. Started a blog
2. Got into uni
3. Received a kiss (blown) from Frankie Sandford and held Florence Welch's hand in the same weekend
4. Performed as JLS at the school's Christmas charity concert (aka JLSbians/GayLS)
5. Waved goodbye to Bebo and greeted hello to Facebook and Twitter

Worst things I've done this year
1. Had my wallet stolen at T in the Park (goodbye £100, credit card, happiness and enjoyment)
2. Watched the film 'Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging'
3. Lost my phone for a day
4. Had my trusty camera and life-long friend die on me at the very start of the Christmas Dance
5. Allowed Facebook and Twitter to take over my life

Greatest television events of the year

1. Hollyoaks: Later
2. X Factor
3. Peep Show Series 6
4. Dexter Seasons 3 and 4
5. Come Dine With Me marathons on More4
6. Hole In The Wall episode 7 (cos I'm on it)
7. Nick Griffin on Question Time
8. Psychoville

Favourite songs
1. Rabbit Heart (Florence & The Machine)
2. Battlefield (Jordin Sparks)
3. Gem Of A Bird (The View)
4. Pull My Heart Away (Jack Penate)
5. Winter Winds (Mumford and Sons)
5 ½. Everybody In Love (JLS)

Least favourite Songs
1. Boom Boom Pow (Black Eyed Peas)
2. Bulletproof (La Roux)
3. I Know You Want Me (Pitbull)
4. We Are Golden (Mika)
5. I Got A Feeling (Black Eyed Peas)
5 ½. 28,000 Friends (Eoghan Quigg)

The only 3 albums where I love every song
1. Florence & The Machine - Lungs
2. Jack Penate - Everything Is New
3. The View - Which Bitch?

Top 5 Michael Owens quotes
1. "I'm gonna ram it, I'm gonna ram it, I'm gonna ram it in your nose. So you get the worst cold you've had in many a year" (in song form)
2. "Out of all the people here, I'm probably the classiest" (said with a can of Strongbow in hand, adorning a Girls Aloud t-shirt)
3. "I'm not an idiot! Don't mess with the Owensy!"
4. "Matt, you can shit on my floor if you like"
5. "Here comes the vodka monster! His hands are covered in vodka!"

Most said phrase of 2009
1. "RIP [enter famous name here]"

Least said phrase of 2009
1. "This is a really good episode of Horne and Corden"

Tits and Twats of 2009
1. Dappy from N Dubz
2. Fearne Cotton
3. Ben from the Apprentice
4. All the Black Eyed Peas
5. Danyl Johnson, Lloyd Daniels, Rachel Adedeji, Jedward and Louis Walsh
6. Marcus from Big Brother
7. Everyone at the Daily Mail
8. 'Nihal'
9. Kerry Katona/Katie Price/Peaches Geldof/Adolf Hitler etc
10. Michael McIntyre

Funniest people
1. Kevin Bridges
2. Peter Serafinowicz
3. Peter 'PopJustice' Robinson
4. Matt Edmondson
5. Eamonn Forde off of Twitter

Condiment of the year
1. Sweet Chilli Sauce

Funniest weeks of the year
1. June 30th-July 4th - a week in Rome that I'll never forget with (nearly) all my closest friends
2. 14th-18th December - my last week of school, including: a brand new common room I helped make; the Christmas Dance and another classic Stobo after-dance; the morning after spent having a hungover sing-along in the common room; the Charity Concert featuring a now legendary performance by JLS and an emotional final day at school
3. 10th-15th August - a week of non-stop laughing at the Edinburgh Festival (highlights included Kevin Bridges, Simon Amstell, Tom Basden, Tom Bell, David O'Doherty, Tim Key and meeting Scott Mills)
4. 3rd - 11th October - school trip to New York and Washington - first trip to the USA and a hole in my pocket

The darkest day of 2009
1. Monday 21st September - the day Fearne Cotton took over from Jo Whiley on BBC Radio 1

The year got off to a bad start with school taking over my life and exams looming. However, as the second half of the year began things started to pick up. Despite a worldwide recession, famous faces perishing by the second, swine flu terrorising the nation and the depressing decline of Katie and Peter's love leading to the even more depressing incline of Katie and Peter's media domination; 2009 soon got its act together. And as long it keeps up the good work for just one more week it shall go down as my favourite year yet.

Congratulations, 2009.

The Other Days: Good, Bad and Bye

2009-12-20T07:54:00.000-08:00

Woops, I've been so busy that I've forgotten to tell you about the other three days of Sweden. That's old news now and probably not very exciting at all so I'll just briefly brush over it.

Wednesday - The best day. We 'swam in the water barrell' at Bobbo's. Translation? We went in his hot tub.

Thursday - The worst day. We drove three hours to a Monastery. No more need be said.

Friday - We went home.

That should sum it up for you.

I've been to five countries this year and, if I'm honest, Sweden probably ranks at the bottom. But that's not to say it wasn't a good trip. We had a great time and laughed a lot (which is the sign of a good holiday). The only problem was the sheer lack of anything to do combined with the lifelessness and unpleasant temperature of the country itself. Unsurprisingly harsh considering the last holiday I had been on before Sweden was to New York.

In the meantime, here are some things I noticed about Sweden during my visit.

1. They have GREAT signs

2. They use jam instead of ketchup.

3. They're all obsessed with sparkling water and every house owns a SodaStream.

4. Their sweets are SHIT.

That is all.

Day Two: Kilts, bagpipes and haggis

2009-12-14T11:20:00.001-08:00

KNOCK KNOCK. "yooh ah-wayk Ali?" Yes, I have been awake for the last 20 minutes waiting for you to permit, vocally, to get out of bed. Thank you.

We eventually set off to the bus on foot in the absolute pitch black and what can only be described as minus two degrees Celsius. I am now on the school bus sitting next to my new Swedish friend surrounded by 40 other Swedish eyes all fixed on me. This is bizarre.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that the ‘purpose’/excuse for the trip to Sweden was to promote Scotland. Thus, we had to prepare a presentation on Scotland in advance and bring it with us. You will then understand our delight when we arrive at their school and are informed that we have to do our presentation – which we prepared two days ago and have practised once – seven times today, to seven different Swedish classes.

We change into our kilts – because obviously we have to look as Scottish as possible for our presentation on Scotland. And adorning a kilt is looking as Scottish as possible because all Scottish people wear a kilt every day of their life.

This is the first time I have ever worn a kilt.

All seven presentations go surprisingly well – with at least one technical hitch every time. However, most of the time they just giggled, pointed and gazed at our skirts. In case you were wondering, the Swedish students are familiar with the work of The Proclaimers, but not so much Calvin Harris.

It would appear they don't have school bells in Sweden, but apparently it's now time to go back to my Swedish home. She eventually pops the inevitably ensuing question: ““so... erm, what do you want to do?” I suggest the TV.

We watch some terrible programme for 15 minutes, which is basically The Apprentice for models. Instead of Alan Sugar they get Alan Sugar-lumps. Thankfully she suggests we watch a film – she allows me to pick. The longer the better I realise (less silences to contend with), have you got Titanic?

We watch the film, it’s not Titanic, but it isn’t too bad and it passes the time perfectly. If only we could just watch it twice more, then it would likely be time for bed. We don’t, however. We have dinner instead.

Dinner time alone with a Swedish family is probably one of the most surreal experiences of my life. I could never have imagined myself every ending up in this situation. Yet here I am enjoying a lovely lasagne with the Emmuelsons.

After dinner, we play some more Wii. I finally win at Mario Kart. But my joy is followed by a moment of misery as we try our hand at bowling. I throw my hand forward to bowl the graphic bowling ball, but rather than hit the air with my controller, I smash it off the coffee table. It breaks.

Woops. Perhaps I should retreat to bed in shame. Goodnight.

Day One: A day of firsts (and WILLY:S)

2009-12-13T06:45:00.000-08:00

I set off to the airport at 7am, and little do I know that I am going to be encountering this dreadfully dark hour for the rest of the week. I am meeting up with the rest of the group in our connecting city of Amsterdam so I do the first leg of my travels alone.

It’s the first time I have travelled all alone. It’s just the same really – only a bit lonelier. That probably explains the ‘lone’ bit in ‘alone’.

I get on the plane and notice they have rows of two seats, rather than the usual three. As soon as I sit down next to my flight companion – a forty-something suited businessman, just like everyone else – the song ‘Just The Two Of Us’ start to play from the speakers above. Is this fate? Or is just KLM being a sly bastard?

The flight passes quickly – still lonely, mind you. The only thing me and the businessmen have in common is that we are all tapping away on our laptops. The only difference is I am writing a blog and they are probably on Microsoft Excel writing about the FTSE 100 (can you tell I didn’t do Business Studies at school?).

We land. My first impression of Amsterdam? They have oddly shaped roofs.

I eventually meet up with the rest of the group, the majority of whom are fast asleep on their comfy, metal airport chairs – they’d already been there four hours. However, before I have the chance to say “thank you pleash” I have left Amsterdam and am on my way to Gothenburg.

No apt songs from the speakers this time. Although we do receive a nice, complimentary sandwich. Mine had the world 'klomp' on it. This amused me.

We land. My first impression of Sweden? It’s not what they make it out to be in IKEA.

We are met by a man who asks “you Peebles?” who then drives us off to the school in a dodgy minibus (the seat at the back isn’t actually screwed into the floor). We spend the journey speculating/shitting ourselves about the prospect of a week on our own with a Swedish family. What will they feed us? What will they do with us? What will they do to us? What will they smell like? Fortunately a shop called “WILLY:S” distracts us from our nerves for a moment or two.

Finally we arrive at the school, where we encounter our first awkward moment of the week. The six Scottish teenagers stand on one side of the room; with the Swedish teenagers at the other. There’s a ten second silence as we have an impromptu staring contest. One girl bursts out into a giggle. Scotland wins. Eventually enough courage is mustered up to wander across and introduce ourselves. More giggling occurs – at least we’re not the only nervous ones.

The next two hours is spent playing table tennis, pool and cards. Not much talking occurs apart from the obvious “so you have long journey?”, “you must be tired?” etc.

When my exchange girl Johanna announces it’s time to leave I suddenly feel a little bit sick as it finally hits me that I am about to become the member of a Swedish family for a week. As a say goodbye to my friends, I feel like a five-year-old boy on his first day at school: “I DON’T WANT TO GO, MUMMY!” Alas, I am a seventeen-year-old boy with no Mummy to grab onto.

The car journey there isn’t very eventful. Only three questions are asked:

“you hungry?” “I hope you are not afraid of cats?” “you must be tired?” (again)

On arrival, I place my bags upstairs and then head back down to meet my new family. Soon after that awkward, silence-following question is asked which I can tell is going to be the bane of my life for the next week: “so... erm, what do you want to do?” It’s asked another three times (followed by another three silences) before we sit down to play the Wii.

As we play, the daunting thought crosses my mind that this game can only last for so long – soon she’ll have to ask that question again. As it turns out, Johanna is quite good at Mario Kart (I am shit). Later, she lets me roam about Facebook for a little while – quite pathetically its home-reality was very comforting after a day of unique experiences.

Just back from Sweden then...

2009-12-13T05:09:00.000-08:00

So as you may know, I have just returned from five days in Sweden. I never explained why I was going to Sweden – to be honest, I’m not really sure why. I only booked my flight a month ago. It was sort-of a school exchange. The purpose (if you can call it a purpose) was to promote Scotland over there. All a bit pointless, really.

I was never originally part of the trip. All my friends were going, so when one dropped out to attend his Cambridge interview instead (fool) I immediately volunteered to take his place. I didn’t want to be the one who had to sit and listen enviously to all their hilarious stories on their return.

Knowing it would be my duty to write a blog about Sweden when I got back, I decided to take a diary each night before I went to sleep – necessary as my memory is like a sieve (or just a bucket with a hole in the bottom). However, after the first two days I gave up, deciding that sleep was more important (they wake up at half six in the mornng, for fuck sake). Thus, you’ll have a detailed description of Monday and Tuesday – and I just hope my memory serves me well for Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Here goes...

Just off to Sweden then...

2009-12-06T13:20:00.000-08:00

I leave for Sweden at 7am.

I'm not really sure why I'm going. And I'm not really sure what to expect.

However, I'll be back on Saturday to let you know how it went.

BYE!

davidattenborough@hotmail.com

2009-12-06T08:47:00.000-08:00

So I was at a friend's house on Friday night. We had just (wisely) ended a rather savage drinking game, by which time I was a bit drunk.

Once everyone had finished performing classic hits from the likes of JLS and Westlife in the living room, Tom and I sat down in peace and reminisced about our recent trip to Rome. It was a trip which holds many great memories and a number of legendary stories. All we have now to remind us of what was arguably the best - and certainly the funniest - week of our lives are the photos.

Thus, Tom and I made an agreement. We agreed that we'd venture back to Rome and relive the previous trip: "and we can go back to the same hotel and go back to the ***** where ******* did **** on the *****". However, in our tipsy state, the excitement and enthusaism at the prospect obviously became too much for us. And on waking up the next morning, I found the following email waitng for me in my inbox:

This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification.
 
Delivery to the following recipients failed.
 
       davidattenborough@hotmail.com
 
 
 
--Forwarded Message Attachment--
From: allyfarrell240@hotmail.com
To: davidattenborough@hotmail.com
Subject: Big trip to Rome
Date: Fri, 4 Dec 2009 23:50:47 +0000

Hey Dave,

We are trying to book a trip to Rome in FEBRUARY.

Do you fancy coming, Mr Attenborough?

Can you check the flight times for us?

Cheers Dave.

All the best,

The ROMEanians.

WE LOVE YOU (bring a penguin)

The-morning-after-the-night-before is normally an unpleasant and loathsome experience - where you wake up clueless, trying to piece the previous evening together. This, however, is the best hangover I have ever had.

Now, if anyone knows David Attenborough's real email address I'll get on him on the Rome case right away.

Revolutionary Running

2009-12-01T14:55:00.000-08:00

Right, so I've not blogged for an entire week. I apologise. But it's only because I've been spending so much time thinking about my new invention.

It's going to be big. I think.

I've not thought of a name for it yet. But I'm sure I'll think up something genius soon. In the meantime, suggestions are very welcome.

"WHAT'S THE INVENTION?"

Wow, you're keen. But seeing as you ask...

I have come up with a way to make the ~~deadkill~~ treadmill not be the absolute scum of the Earth. Because let's be honest here - it really is. When you're running on the treadmill for 20+ minutes, those 20+ minutes become the worst 20+ minutes of your life and you feel like you've actually been running on that cunt of a conveyor belt for 20+ years.

As with my insomnia blog last week, the clock becomes your arch rival - you can't take your eyes off him. You hate the bastard. In fact, you end up hating everything near you: the person having a pointless stroll alongside you, your water bottle longing to be poured over your head, the sweat dripping from every inch of your body, your shorts which you deliberately decide are uncomfortable and your once-so-beautiful face staring at you in the mirror with disgust.

Yet we still pay for this experience. That's right, we hand over REAL money - REAL money that we have earned by giving up our own time to work hard. And here we are simply giving this money away so we can give up yet more of our own time to work hard - only this time, for no economic benefit.

The question is then asked, why don't you go outside and run then? On natural ground which doesn't move on a continuous loop of material? Why don't you go outside and run on natural ground which doesn't move on a continuous loop of material FREE OF CHARGE?

Because it's cold and there's people and stuff. That's why!

However, I have devised an idea which will solve all these evils of the treadmill. No longer must you stare the timer in its numerical eye or become a misanthrope who loathes everyone and everything around them (including themselves).With my invention, running for 20+ minutes on the treadmill will become a serene and ultimately enjoyable activity.

I just realised I have written almost 400 words so far, and you still don't know what my invention is. Maybe I should tell you before you close the page - or think up a better one.

Basically, it'll be like a treadmill/simulator. You'll step inside the hub (yes, I am calling it a hub), and when you set off on your run it will be just like it would if you were running outdoors. Except you'd still have a conveyor belt underneath your feet and be able to see the distance you have run. That one's a common comfort. You will just think you are running on a path or something, with trees and birds and people and stuff - so it'll all be very realistic. Perhaps there could be a few visual jokes included along the way too - like an old lady being run over or a cat falling out a tree. The clock is only there if you want it to be (just press the button). But time will fly anyway because you'll be having so much fun on your fake, outdoor running experience. The only downside is that you still have to do exercise - pay to do exercise. However, with my new invention it will be worth every penny.

For once you will enjoy losing your money pounds to lose your fatty pounds.

Thanks to me, you can run outisde - inside!

It already exists, doesn't it?

Perhaps, just for the record, I should state here that
I thought of it first.

A million sheep later...

2009-11-23T11:13:00.000-08:00

It's been a long weekend. You're physically deceased and emotionally drained after yet another scandalous result on X Factor. All you want to do is jump into bed and have a nice, early night.

The lights are off and the TV's on a 30 minute timer - Holly and co on the Xtra Factor will inevitably send you to sleep. Yet, one hour's gone and you're still wide awake.

You all know the situation. If sleeping is one of the perks of life; then not sleeping is one of the jerks of life. In fact, can't-get-to-sleep syndrome is probably the worst side-effect of living (runner up: dying). It's only a few hours lying awake in bed, but it genuinely feels like an entire month goes by when you're there.

So what do you do? How do you just 'fall asleep'?

Once you're helpful companion, the digital clock perched on your desk becomes your enemy. You can't help but keep on checking the time - it's deliberate - just to increase your frustration at each minute eating into your planned sleeping time.

In the short space of five minutes, you have rolled over to face one side of the room and then back to face the other eight times. In that five minutes, you've also managed to turn the pillow over so many times that there is no longer a 'cold side'. Let's face it, sleep's against you tonight - it's not happening. Whatever happens, you're going to be knackered in the morning.

It's 2am. Fuck off, clock.

Perhaps it's time for some drastic action. Before that, you decide to try out the coffin position. Lying completely straight in the centre of the bed, you close your eyes and hope for the best. What the fuck are you doing? That has never worked, and it never will.

Drastic action it is, then. It's time for the sheep.

You're helpless. You've tried everything. No one will blame you for doing it - you had no choice. Here goes...

1 sheep, 2 sheep, 3 sheep, 4 sheep, 5 sheep...

3am. Shit.

Eventually it just happens - as it was supposed to five hours ago. The next thing you know, it's 8am and Chris Moyles is yapping away in your ear.

Finally, it's a new day. As a fresh start, you forgive the clock and rekindle your friendship.

Not an enjoyable experience, is it? The worst bit is that knowledge lurking around in your head that you need to sleep. That's what's preventing it. You end up making orders to your brain, silently demanding that it "GO TO SLEEP!". Inside, they're all just laughing at you. All those bastard cells.

What's to bet I don't get to sleep tonight? Bastards.

Eww!

2009-11-22T05:16:00.000-08:00

Who is this Greyfriar and why has someone written a book about his penis?

One of life's GREAT mysteries

2009-11-18T10:12:00.000-08:00

I know it's been playing on your mind for a long time. It's one of those unanswered questions in life, you know the ones: 'is there a God?', 'who invented accents?', 'do vampires get AIDS?'

Well perhaps it's time then, for me to answer the question once and for all - to put an end to the enigma and put your mind at rest.

Perhaps it's time for me to tell you what I do with all my great ideas.

Why, I put them here of course!

In my 'GREAT IDEAS' notepad.

This is usually how it goes:

1. A GREAT IDEA comes to me

2. I get out the GREAT IDEAS notepad

3. I fill in all the important details of this GREAT IDEA - rating it on the scale of GREATNESS

4. My GREAT IDEA is recorded in ink

5. My GREAT IDEA is trashed, postponed or actualized.

5 simple steps; 1 GREAT IDEA.

I bet you're glad I actualized this one.

November

2009-11-17T09:03:00.000-08:00

Should be fucking banned from the year.

Irony

2009-11-10T10:43:00.000-08:00

I just pissed the Capri-Sun out of my system - a drink which tasted rather similar to piss itself.

Crapri-Sun

2009-11-10T10:18:00.000-08:00

Two months ago I complained to Haribo to express my horror at a mishapen jelly frog found lurking in my bag of Kiddies SuperMix.

Now that petty whinger in me is back to make a meal out of yet another faux-pas by a popular confectionary brand.

Despite the fact that I am unlikely to receive any delicious compensation for my grievances this time; I am still hopeful of another grovelling apology or pathetic attempt at a justification. Plus - it gave my inner-bastard great pleasure just writing the complaint.

Now, I bet you're all wondering what irked me this time round. Well let's just say I wasn't very happy with the flavour of my Capri-Sun today...

Dear Sir/Madam,
When purchasing my lunch today, I was enticed by your 'orchard fruits' Fruit Rush product. I was lured primarily by the front image of these 'orchard fruits' bursting out in a symmetrical pattern. However, the nickname 'orchard fruits', itself, also gave me great expectations for a fusion of berries (strawberry, raspberry and blackcurrant) and both apples and pears.
Unfortunately, the drink which eventually met my taste buds did not agree with my expectations. The underlying problem was the balance.
From the image emblazoned on the front of the carton, I gathered it would be a well-mixed amalgam of each of the fruits. What I encountered was a bitter-tasting apple juice with a mere hint of berry. At the core of the carton’s image are five strawberries, with a number of other ‘orchard fruits' spraying off around it. Thus, it would be sensible to assume that the drink contained inside would be predominantly strawberry flavoured – or at least partly strawberry flavoured.
Nonetheless, the drink contained inside had only an exceptionally minor strawberry flavour. The consumer is left with what is chiefly just apple juice with all the other fruit flavours taking a step back.
Bewildered by the taste, I decided deeper investigation was in order. Taking a close look at the drink’s ingredients, it became apparent that it had been deliberately produced with this imbalance. According to information on the back of the carton, the drink contained ‘42% Apple’ and ‘0.5% Strawberry’. This combination creates a seriously uneven ratio of 84 apples to every 1 strawberry – an explanation for the drink tasting so sourly of apple.
It is evident for all to see where the flaw in your manufacturing process lies for this particular Fruit Rush product. As much as it is refreshing, the juice just doesn’t taste ‘right’. In my opinion, that is down to the abundance of apple and the unfortunate lack of berry.
Equilibrium must be found if the juice is to live up to the plural of its title, ‘Orchard Fruits’.
Thank you for your attention,
Ally Farrell

I'm a bit of a wanker, amn't I?

My USA Moov-ay

2009-11-09T11:55:00.000-08:00

This time last month I was in America. If you were a loyal follower of my blog you may remember the post I made on my return. If you aren't (wanker) then you can read it here.

What I didn't mention in that blog is that I took a camcorder to the USA. My media teacher was brave enough to allow me to take one of the school's cameras with me on my travels and naturally I accepted his offer. He warned me numerous times before I left "not to record too much because it'll just make it hard for you when it comes to editing". I returned home with two hours worth of footage. Woopsie.

He was right: it was fucking hard when it came to the editing. However, I eventually managed to cut down the two hours into a ten minute film of our trip. And here it is for your visual and audible pleasure - enjoy...

Peebles High School USA Trip 2009 from Ally Farrell on Vimeo.

Please allow time for it to buffer before you watch (buffer buffor).

P.S. You may have noticed a reccuring character in the film - that's PJ.
P.P.S. Apologies if the movie meant nothing to you - I have a feeling it may only appeal to those who know the people in the film.
P.P.P.S. Bye

Sack the Songwriter

2009-11-03T13:21:00.000-08:00

After a lengthy reign by indie guitar bands, pop has finally won back its crown as King of the charts. In recent years, pop music has taken a vertical nose-dive and virtually disappeared from mainstream radio stations (I'm looking at you, Radio 1). All we got was the odd Girls Aloud single a couple of times a year homing it's way to the number one spot. Enter Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Tinchy Stryder and N-Dubz and instantly there's a resurge of quality pop music, as the likes of Alexandra Burke, JLS, The Saturdays and Little Boots decide to have a pop (sorry) at it too.

However, despite the quality of the songs being churned out of the hit-factory - there's a clear flaw emerging in the manufacturing process: the lyrics.

Take Alexandra Burke's latest single, 'Bad Boys', for example. 'Bad Boys' is about Alexandra's lust for mischevious men. Basically, our Alex likes 'em naughty. So much so, according to 'Flo Rida' (the obligatory rapper in Alexandra's song), that "with even the alphabet she only sings the crooked letters". Apparently, Alexandra's desire for a 'rougher fella' (as the song describes them) is so severe that it has altered her entire nervous system to automatically remove any non-crooked letters from her vocals when she sings the alphabet - as we all do from time to time. What even is a 'crooked letter'? I'm assuming Flo Rida is referring to the As and Ks of our world, which are aesthetically pointy. If this is really the case then Alexandra needs to get a grip of herself and forbid her manly needs from becoming so explicitly involved in her day-to-day life.

Alexandra's not the only X Factor veteran coming out with suspect lyrics, however. Here's JLS: the teenage girl's favourite whose debut single 'Beat Again' shot straight to number one. The song's good; the lyrics are, well, debatable. Firstly, they employ an ingenious metaphor when confessing their romantic desires: "I need you back in my arms; I need love CPR". CPR stands for 'Cardiopulmonary resuscitation'. It is an emergency medical procedure for a victim of cardiac or respiratory arrest. JLS are exploiting this emergency medical procedure by arguing that it's necessary to mend their broken heart. You may think this is a clever use of imagery, but it's not. It's a broken heart, JLS - it'll heal in time.

The lyric circus (lyricircus?) doesn't end there in 'Beat Again', though. The next one sees JLS ask a question which is now somewhat infamous. Desperate for answers, the boys ask: "If I died, would you come to my funeral?" Jeez, way to put us on the spot JLS! Bit morbid, is it not? This is a quirky, light-hearted pop song; not an emotional cry for help.

Other noteable lyric failures include everyone's favourite lesbian (she's not really) and everyone's favourite Beyoncé husband, Jay-Z. The main line in Pink's song 'Funhouse' - the line that determines the quality of the entire song - just happens to be the worst line in any song of 2009. As the chorus begins, Pink sings: "This used to be a funhouse. But now it's full of evil clowns". Told you it was awful.

Jay-Z, on the other hand, is clearly lacking in self-belief - the poor wee soul. In his latest song, 'Empire State of Mind' he makes a rather profound statement: "I’m the new Sinatra, and since I made it here, I can make it anywhere." Bit full of yourself, are you not Jay-Z? Fair enough, you're quite good at songs and stuff but I doubt you could make it 'anywhere'. I suppose a bit of arrogance never did anyone any harm, though. Feel free to put me in my place if Jay-Z ends up scoring the winning goal at the World Cup next year.

If you want an example of some genuine genius lyrics then Shakira's your woman:

"I'm starting to feel just a little abused, like a coffee machine in an office"

Now THAT'S a good use of imagery. Take note, JLS.

An Apology

2009-11-03T10:41:00.000-08:00

Actually, make that 2 apologies.

This is the first blog I have written in 7 days - an entire week. I am ashamed of that fact and I am ashamed of myself. My excuses? Hallowe'en preparations/festivities, a surprising onslaught of homework and my production of a film (one which your senses (mainly the seeing and hearing ones) will soon have the pleasure of sensing). I wholeheartedly apologise for the lack of blog juice and the natural hole it left in your heart. It'll never happen again - promise!

My second apology concerns a realisation that only just swept over me. Take a look down this blog. Go on, do it. Scroll right down to the bottom. You may notice a recurring theme emerge as you make your way through the entries. That's right - it would appear I am fucking obsessed with FOOD. Six and a half out of my last ten blog updates have been primarily about food. That's 65% of everything I have written to you over the last month. Now, I do love food. But for it to amount to 65% of the most interesting occurences in my life is a bit excessive - and slightly worrying. Again, I apologise for this and promise to widen the subject areas of my blogs in due course.

Yours sincerely,

Me

What is a healthy, well-balanced diet?

2009-10-27T14:02:00.000-07:00

That is the question asked by the NHS here. They go onto answer that question for you (they're too good to us).

A well-balanced diet includes food from the five main food groups. These are:

bread, cereal (including breakfast cereals) and potatoes (starchy foods),
fruit (including fresh fruit juice) and vegetables,
meat and fish,
milk and dairy foods, and
fat and sugar

On Monday, my food diary went as follows:

Breakfast

1/2 a banana

Post-breakfast snack

5 Wotsits and 2 Salt 'n' Vinegar crisps

Lunch

Toast and humous

Cup of tea with 2 custard creams

Pre-dinner Snack

Oat-so-simple porridge with Golden Syrup

Some Country Crisp out the box

Dinner

Ready-made M&S lamb hot-pot

Post-dinner snack

2 custard creams

5 potato wedges with ketchup

Let's see how I got on...

Bread, cereal and potatoes - Tick, tick and tick. I ate a slice of toast, constituting my bread. I ate some Country Crisp out the box as well as a bowl of Oat-so-simple porridge, constituting my cereal. And I also ate 5 Wotsits, 2 salt 'n' vinegar crisps and 5 potato wedges, constituting my potatoes.

Fruit and vegetables - Tick and tick. I ate 1/2 a banana for breakfast and I'm sure there were some onions in the M&S ready-meal.

Meat and fish - Tick. You can't have both meat and fish in one day, can you? That'd just be greedy. Anyway, my lamb hot-pot did, in fact, contain lamb (that's a meat) so I am still on course.

Milk and dairy foods - Tick and tick. My cup of tea covered both these areas - milk in the tea and custard CREAMs.

Fat and sugar - TICK TICK.

There you go. That's how you eat a healthy, well balanced diet. It's that easy. Just follow that same regime everyday and you're guaranteed to reach the big 100.

So...

2009-10-27T11:45:00.000-07:00

I, erm, got my phone back today.

It was Cinderella who said

2009-10-26T13:23:00.000-07:00

you don't know what you got 'til it's gone.

And she was fucking bang on.

On Saturday night I lost something very close to me. Something very important. Something none of us can live without.

On Saturday night I lost my mobile phone.

I took a risk with my choice of jeans on Saturday night. The pockets had always been a liability - although in our seven month relationship together I had always realised instantly when something had fallen out. Not this time, though. This time my mobile phone - my trusty Nokia 5310 - slipped out of its home in my left pocket and never returned. I can now understand how a mother must feel when her child runs away from home. I am able to empathise with the pain, helplessness and despair one must experience in such a situation. My Nokia and I had been together for two years; yet we were torn apart in a mere second.

I know my phone is out there somewhere. But that doesn't help. That's what makes it even more unbearable. It could be lying alone in the corner of a room, or wasting away on icy patch of grass. Somewhere out there, my phone is waiting to be picked up and rescued by my paternal hands. Yet deep down I know we will never meet again.

Life without a mobile phone is a genuine struggle. The loss leaves a psychological, physical and metaphorical hole in your life. You lose all your contact numbers, all your saved messages, all the important dates in your calendar, all your photos and, most significantly, your connection with the outside world (when alone in a room without windows, a computer, a household telephone, a postbox/stamps or a morse code flashlight).

I may have exaggerated once or twice in this blog post but those of you reading this who have lost your phone in the past will understand my sentiments. And anyway, there's no better way of conveying your inner-most feelings than by using hyperbole. In fact, it is THE BEST WAY.

If there's one thing we should all take from my tragic loss, it is that we should never doubt Cinderella.

One thing that really annoys me is

2009-10-21T11:02:00.000-07:00

the shape of strawberries.

Strawberries are one of the nicer, better tasting fruits so why do they have to come in such tiny portions? If I were in charge, strawberries would be the size of a bigger but worse tasting fruit like, say, a banana.

Boost is Best

2009-10-19T14:29:00.000-07:00

I have just eaten a 'Boost'. And it made me think... is there a better chocolate bar out there?

The Boost bar, for me, is the perfect chocolate bar. It's just the right size (11cm in length) so that you never feel sick or guilty, or sick with guilt for that matter, after eating it. The instant your teeth meet its soft, exterior layer you find everything you have ever wanted in a chocolate bar. First, you encounter the smooth layer of creamy, milk chocolate - a big hit with the taste buds. After that comes its delicious, caramel centre which almost never gets stuck in your teeth - a common irritation arising from a number of other chocolate bars. To balance out the intensity of the chocolate and caramel lies the final section of the exceedingly tasty trilogy: the biscuit balls. You would expect the biscuit to be a big mistake but it is, in fact, the opposite. The crunch of the these small spheres compensates for the smooth texture of the previous two layers, creating the ideal chocolate bar. All in all, an expert combination of ingredients and flavours leaving your mouth watering and your self satisfied.

All competition to the Boost is weak in comparison as I shall now explain...

Mars Bar - It'll always puzzle me why everyone loves a Mars Bar. The nation's favourite chocolate bar will never stand a chance against the Boost. It is simply far too sickly, far too dull and far too repetitive. A chocolate bar should make you exclaim "ahhhhhh", not "YAWN".

Double Decker - Anything that chewy and tasteless will never make the perfect chocolate bar.

Snickers - Nuts? In a chocolate bar? Seriously...

Aero - Who wants to spend their hard earned cash on a chocolate bar with holes in it? I'm no businessman but even I can see that's not good value for money.

Wispa - "OMG WISPAS R BAK!!!!!" Be quiet, will you? They contain no imagination and taste like any ordinary chocolate bar.

Twirl - A laughable chocolate bar.

Ripple - The only reason this isn't a laughable chocolate bar is because it's produced by Galaxy whose chocolate tastes better than Dairy Milk's (FACT).

Flake - Crumble King. Every time you (try to) eat a Flake you lose half of it to the floor.

Kit-Kat - Why would anyone ever consider purchasing a Kit-Kat? The only time you were supposed to eat a Kit-Kat was when your Mum gave you it for your 'play-piece' at primary school.

Yorkie - Sexist chocolate? No thanks.

Milky Way - All nice and fluffy but in no way appetising.

Picnic - Has anyone even ever noticed these in shops? I only know it as the one no one ever eats in Minature Heroes.

Topic - The one no one ever eats in Celebrations.

That should prove my point.

The Boost is the King of Confectionery (that's right, there's a chocolate Monarchy) and no one will ever steal its crown. In fact, there isn't even an heir to the throne.

Today's episode of Ally's meals is brought to you by the letter 'C'

2009-10-15T12:57:00.000-07:00

Today I consumed the following foods:

Croissant

Country Crisp cereal

Cream

Chewing gum

Carrots

Chicken

In case you didn't notice, all of those meals begin with the letter 'C'.

Good, eh?

Ode to a Hula-Hoop

2009-10-14T14:21:00.000-07:00

When our flight from Edinburgh to New York was grounded we all sighed and groaned, "what are we going to do for FOUR hours?". I ate a bag of Haribo (no love lost), reluctantly watched 'The Hills' on someone's iPod (never again) and read the first few pages of my book (the first page). One hour gone and I was still bored. I got out my notepad - maybe I could write something funny? All I needed was some inspiration. My friend PJ was sitting next to me, making his way through a bag of 'Hula-Hoops'. Naturally, he suggested I write a poem about them.

I forgot all about the poem until I found the notepad at the bottom of my bag yesterday. It made me laugh so I thought I'd share it with you. Half an hour's work with no sexual connotations intended - honest.

Ode to a Hula-Hoop

God bless you, my holey friend.

You've served me well,

but now this must end.

Our amour, it cannot last.

It's only been a year,

yet it's gone so fast.

I've suffered too long

with your lack of dictation.

So now it must end,

I give into temptation.

Up into your hole,

my finger goes.

Relax - I'll be gentle,

this must come to a close.

CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH,

CRUNCH.

Haribo Redeem Themselves

2009-10-12T13:21:00.000-07:00

Cast your mind back to Monday 14th of September. A dark day. A day shadowed by incompetence and misjudgement in a confectionery factory. A day marred by a disfigured and distasteful sweet. A day which has haunted my dreams ever since.

On Monday 14th September I opened a bag of Haribo Kiddies Supermix to find my orange frog was lacking its delectable, foam base. As you may remember, I was deeply disturbed by this discovery and duly complained to Haribo - demanding an explanation to compensate for my greivance. If you were lucky enough to avoid hearing my terrible news on that day, you may read it here.

Now, one month on, the people at Haribo have returned to me with the explanation I longed for. It read as follows:

Dear Mr Farrell,

Thank you for your letter regarding HARIBO Kiddies Supermix.

On examination of the returned sweet, however, we feel that there may have been a temporary mechanical fault at the time of manufacturing this product. All machine operators are made aware that they must isolate product for Quality Assurance inspection when a fault of this nature occurs.

We ask that you accept our sincere apologies for the trouble and inconvenience you have been caused.

Please find enclosed a token of our earnest regrets in this matter, and we trust that they will restore your faith in our products once again.

Yours sincerely,
Mr P Houston
Technical Services Manager

Apology accepted Haribo.

You may be wondering what Mr P Houston was referring to when he mentioned the "token of our earnest regrets". Well, let me tell you...

Along with the grovelling letter, I received not one, but TWO bags of Haribo as compensation. For sending away one, measly sweet they sent me one bag of Haribo Starmix, and another bag of Haribo Kiddies Supermix. Not quite the large box I desired; but it'll do. Thanks Haribo.

Now let's just hope - for their sake - that all the frogs in my free bag of Kiddies Supermix are fully-foamed or Haribo will have a lot to answer for.

Obligatory USA Blog

2009-10-12T07:16:00.000-07:00

The moment I return from my 8 day trip to America, I have people asking me "have you written a blog about it yet?", "when's the blog going to be up?". Patience, people.

Thing is, I don't really know what I'm supposed to actually write about the trip. Should I give you a day-to-day diary so you get a detailed look at our daily activities? No, that would be dull. Should it be like a post-holiday postcard: "Had a lovely time in New York - lots to do, very busy. Washington was beautiful, weather was great. Wish you were there." No, that would also be a bit dull.

Maybe I'll just write about one or two observations I made during the week.

First of all, if you've not been to New York yet then don't bother - you are already there. New York is basically the planet Earth in one city. You (or a person exactly like you) are probably already living there - you just don't know it. The place covers absolutely every demographic imaginable: every ethnicity, every gender, every sexuality, every personality and every social-class. The amount of freaks, or eccentrics, living there means you could spend your entire visit just people watching and you'd still have a very entertaining stay.

Secondly, why is everyone so shocked at the obesity rates in America? Trying to avoid junk food in the country is like trying to avoid advertisements - it's impossible. Everything on sale in cafes, restaurants and food stores is unhealthy. The fruit and vegetables must be hidden away in some dark alley somewhere because the only time you saw a strawberry was when it was sitting on top of a cake. I'll give you an idea of the kind of food I ate while I was over there by listing my dinners in order: McDonalds, pizza, burger and fries, burger and fries, burrito, hot dog, burger and fries and an extra plate of fries that they threw in because we were waiting for the rest to finish. The final part really sums this one up for you.

What else? Well you may have noticed that America is the home of cheese. Not of real cheese, that would be France. But metaphorical cheese. The cheese that makes your toes curl and stomach churn. When you visit the country, that cheese is in your face 24/7. New York is just one big commercial Apple and, although it's toned down a bit in Washington, it was just as bad at the ice hockey match. The fans were cheesy, the chants were cheesy, the game was cheesy, the adverts were cheesy and the announcements were cheesy. This is the kind of thing they had on the big screen during the breaks, the 'Delta Dental Smile Cam':

Here, they would cut to random members of the crowd who would then open their mouths as wide and high as they could, giving us a good look at their teeth. We were also treated to 'Dance Cam' where members of the audience would show off their best moves. All in all, a cringeworthy (yet amusing) experience.

Other good bits included:

> Some hilarious Chinese people in hilarious hats, as illustrated below

> PJ and I's eventful subway journey in search of the Adidas store where we went in the wrong direction 4 times.

> Spending £150 at the Adidas store

> Passing the infant Jewish population of the world on Brooklyn Bridge with their sexy hair and cool hats

> Chatting to a security guard in the Whitehouse about Barack: "I'm not his friend; I'm just here to keep him alive"

> Watching PJ lift up his top in a suggestion to the Polish girls taking part in a Poland Parade (?) in New York to which they cheered and applauded. An event initiated by a certain Alexander Hood.

> Eating at the Forrest Gump themed restaurant, 'Bubba Gump' where they had a 'Run Forrest Run' sign you flipped over when you were eating and a 'Stop Forrest Stop' sign for when you wanted served. The cocktail menu also came on a ping-pong bat and our meal was served on a newspaper. All restaurants should be as novel as this.

Bad bits included:

> Abercrombie and Fitch

That's quite enough of America for one blog, I'd say. Hope you're satisfied now.

In your Face...book

2009-10-02T16:31:00.000-07:00

I think it’d be a fairly safe bet to predict that Facebook will one day take over the world. It’s already taken over my life. And yours (don’t deny it).

I return from school. I go on Facebook. I take a break for dinner. I go back on Facebook. I go to sleep. I dream about Facebook (that one’s a lie). Sometimes I even go on Facebook when I wake up.

As you can see, my life now revolves around Facebook. Thus, I thought it would be interesting to take a closer look at my Facebook life. I have done this by selecting one or two of my Facebook status updates from each day in the past week, in the hope that it will give you an deeper insight into ‘a week in the life of Ally’. Once I’m done, I will judge whether I have had a successful week or not.

Here we go...

Saturday 26^th September

12.14pm – Top o’ the mornin’ to ya! – No, I am not Irish. But I had just woken up (straight to Facebook, obviously) and was excited to be attending an ‘Irish Night’ later in the evening. I assumed that greeting everyone on Facebook with a stereotypical Irish phrase would intensify my excitement for the night ahead. And it did.

15.34pm – I LOVE FASCISM – I don’t actually love Fascism. And no, I wasn’t Fraped* by Adolf Hitler. My friend Michael Owens (not the footballer, unfortunately) just thought it would be funny to pretend I did actually have an affection for Fascism, and exclaim it to my Facebook following in capital letters. He was right – it was quite funny.

Sunday 27^th September

05.57am – I LOVE IRELAND – As you can see, ‘Irish Night’ was a great success – and quite clearly had a profound effect on me (resulting in yet more capital letters). Unlike the Fascism comment though, I actually do have a genuine affection for Ireland. You may also be wondering why I was up – and on Facebook – at five fifty seven in the morning. The aftermath of ‘Irish Night’ was so entertaining we didn’t venture to bed until 8am.

14.08 – Larfed all the way ‘till 8am – As I explained.

19.49 – These guys better win Eggs Factory – In other words, ‘I really hope this band wins the X Factor’. I just thought I’d make the status more amusing to my Facebook chums (through the use of word-play) ‘cos that’s my thing, innit? Sunday night, on Facebook and watching X Factor – life couldn’t have been much better at the time.

Monday 28^th September

14.14 - Just forced the man in front of me on the bus to move forward 6 seats because I had a 5 minute (and counting) sneezing fit. I covered my nose and everything! – You’ll agree with me that the man in question was an inconsiderate bastard. I’ve since gone on to have a permanently runny nose for the last 5 days. I blame him for this.

20.57 – Just got my phone reminder that Hollyoaks Later is about to begin. Thought I'd remind you too. – From this moment on, my week changed for the better. Although you would (should) have already worked that one out from the previous blog.

22.05 – I actually think I might watch that again it was so good – More evidence – if you really needed it – that I rather enjoyed Hollyoaks Later.

Tuesday 29^th September

18.36 - Personal Statement first draft = done. Turns out I am quite good at bigging myself up – This was me celebrating the completion of my personal statement for my university application. I’d definitely recommend you write your own personal statement – describing how amazing you are in 866 words wonders for your ego.

19.47 - Apparently my text was just read out by Zane Lowe on Radio 1. But he didn't send a text to Radio 1. Is anyone any good at problem solving? 'Cos this one needs solving, pronto! – Turns out that pesky Zane Lowe had actually read out my Twitter message to Florence Welch (of Florence and the Machine) on air. Nice of him to let me know.

21.42 – You didn’t just say “knobsville”, Josh? Did you? He did. Amazing. – That was just me in awe at another genius line from Hollyoaks Later.

Wednesday 30^th September

22.41 – SHAHEEEEEEEEEEEN – He sang rather well at the MOBOs, so I thought I’d point that out to everybody by screaming his name in their face(book).

Wednesday was a slow night.

Thursday 1^st October

19.21 - This place is BUZZING tonight – That’s a bit of sarcasm for you, there. Facebook was most definitely not ‘BUZZING’ on Thursday night.

21.59 - BYE BYE SARAH – This was me celebrating the death of the lesbian in Hollyoaks. A highlight of the week.

Friday 2^nd October

23.58 – I have officially finished packing. Time for a 5 hour sleep hour. – Oh, did I not tell you I am going to New York tomorrow? Well I am going to New York tomorrow. That’ll be nice. (bit of a typo at the end there which made the status a little bit more exciting)

Saturday 3^rd October

14.00 – I am in New York – I will never actually write this but I imagine if I did get the chance to update my Facebook status in New York, it would more or less be a little something like that.

So there you go. A week in the life of me, via Facebook.

How does it rate? Well it’s not often I get to go to New York in the same week that I get to experience the greatest television event of the year, so 10/10. Well done week. Well done.

*Apparently 'Fraped' is the word you're supposed to use when somebody hacks your account and writes status updates pretending to be you. It's short for Facebook-raped, in case you hadn't realised.

Sex, Drugs and Jokes - it's x-rated Hollyoaks

2009-09-29T15:12:00.000-07:00

It’s that time of year again. The time of year when everyone’s favourite teenage soap spirals out of control, shattering any boundaries it ever held.

That’s right people, Hollyoaks just got LATER!

Historically, Hollyoaks Later – or Late Night Hollyoaks, as it used to be called – has covered some rather dark storylines, such as male-on-male rape and date-rape (they like their rape, do our Hollyoaks producers). In the most recent edition of Hollyoaks Later, a tall psychopath tried and failed to murder his partner and her family, then fell off a cliff. What’s more, the worst actress in the show had a lesbian fling with the daughter of her partner, Mike. That’s the beauty of Hollyoaks for you.

As you can see, Hollyoaks Later had a pristine track record to uphold as it began its latest ‘series’ last night – and, boy, did they uphold it.

As soon as the title sequence began; the genius of Hollyoaks emerged. This wasn’t just Hollyoaks; this was Hollyoaks Later – where everyone goes crazy. So, naturally, every character had an image of bellowing smoke and fire behind them in the titles. You can work out the connotations for yourself. Genius, huh?

The genius remained even once the title sequence ended. Hollyoaks is famous for including hilarious jokes in amongst the high drama and they obviously decided that it was necessary to inject some humour into the first scene to get things started. The joke was as follows:

Best character in the show stands alone in deserted Hollyoaks village. Best character in the show is bemused at the lack of life in Hollyoaks village. Best character in the show asks aloud, in her ditsy voice: “Where is everybody?”

THEY’VE ALL LEFT THE VILLAGE TO GO ON WILD ADVENTURES WHERE THEY ARE FREE TO HAVE RAUNCHY SEX, DEVOUR DRUGS AND SAY THE WORD “PRICK” AS MUCH AS THEY LIKE. That’s where everybody is, best character in the show.

There are four wild adventures in total; each making up the four storylines of Hollyoaks Later.

The four storylines are as follows:

1. The Ashworths’ Festival Jaunt

This storyline sees the Ashworth siblings take a trip to a music festival. On arrival, Rhys – the eldest of the three siblings – makes it apparent he is in his comfort zone by informing us that “we got bikinis, we got beers, we got the tunes”. What more could you want? As the Ashworths unwittingly befriend (and, for some, fall in love with) a gang of drug-dealers, it is evident that their festival experience is going to be an eventful one – and, for some (probably the ones who fall in love), is going to take a sinister turn for the worse. Just as long as they got the bikinis, beers and the tunes though, eh?

2. The ‘Outward Bound’

In this one, Steph, Gilly, the two lesbians and that Spanish twat head off on an outward bound/assault course style thing in the middle of nowhere (as you do). Their adventure gets off to a clichéd start as their van skids to a halt and they encounter the intimidating, army general-esque leader of their course for the first time, who immediately puts them in their place (I warned you it was one, big cliché). But please don’t be too hasty to yawn at the unoriginality of this storyline. Because what actually happens later in the week is that the other, bunny boiler lesbian (the one with the hideous face) comes and joins the other lesbians and murders one of them. Classic Hollyoaks.

3. The Obligatory McQueen Family Storyline

Everybody knows the McQueen family are the best thing about Hollyoaks. Therefore, it was crucial to Hollyoaks Later that they played a major part in the spin-off. This year, the McQueen storyline involves the comic teenage duo of Michaela and Theresa jetting off (on a train) to London-town so that Theresa can fulfil her modelling dream. As usual, there's plenty comedy gold along the way – especially when Carmel (the best character in the show) and Jacqui decide to travel down and join them. My favourite line so far came from Michaela as she abruptly killed Theresa’s ambition of having her own perfume range one day:

Theresa: “I could have my own perfume range”

Michaela: “Yeah...Eau de Twat”

4. Cindy and Tony’s Wedding

Cindy and Tony are engaged. Cindy’s a gold-digger. Cindy, along with her partner in crime, Darren, are actually planning to fleece Tony of all his gold. Etc etc etc. I think you get the jist of that one. I’m maybe painting a dull picture of this storyline, but it just doesn’t compare to the other three. However, I have actually enjoyed it so far thanks to some metaphorical-based jokes about onions.

So, there you have it. The four genius storylines, currently collaborating to produce one of the greatest television events of the year: Hollyoaks Later.

Could it get any better? I doubt it. Unless they added in a rape element to one of the storylines – that always does the trick.

I present to you...

2009-09-24T13:18:00.001-07:00

My first project in Media. The brief was a toughie: film an interview.

Through a combination of expert acting and film-making we produced:

"Chat with Matt: The Bullying Special"

Enjoy...

(I'm the 'damaged' bully victim)

A Case of Not-So-Sour Grapes

2009-09-23T12:24:00.000-07:00

About four or five years ago, a ban of junk food came into place in Scottish schools and we all waved a teary goodbye to our nutritious chicken burgers, plates of chips, big bags of Minstrels from the vending machine, packets of Skittles and worst of all, fizzy drinks. No more cans of Coke to rot the teeth of us youngsters, thought the Scottish government.

The Scottish governemnt were correct: no one has laid their eyes (or teeth) on a can of Coke in our school for a very long time.

However, getting rid of Coke, IRN-BRU and Sprite in a school full of sweet-toothed young children, and replacing them with 'healthy drinks' such as flavoured water and fruit juice was never going to be a financially friendly operation.

Our council obviously think they have found a healthy way round the 'Schools (Health Promo tion and Nutrition) Act' of 2007, though. At the beginning of this term, we returned to school to find the fridges and vending machines stocked with 'Appletiser' and its new siblings, 'Peartiser' and 'Grapetiser'.

Now I know what you're thinking: "oh, well that's okay, Appletiser's healthy enough and the other drinks all have a fruit in their name too so they're bound to be good for you". Wrong. Take a look at the sugar content in our new chum 'Grapetiser'

No, your eyes are not playing tricks on you - the sugar content of this drink is 50.8 grams. That's over half of your recommended daily sugar allowance. Even your average can of Coke - that the tooth fairies at the Scottish Parliament thought they were heroically saving our teeth from - only contains around 40 grams of sugar. I did wonder why, on my first taste of 'Grapetiser', it tasted unusually sweet.

I had to laugh when I saw the banner on the front of the can proudly proclaiming "NO ADDED SUGAR". I imagine the drink would turn to syrup if they attempted to add any more sugar. And I doubt they'd sell many cans of 'Grapesyrup'.

Fearne's Rotten

2009-09-20T06:10:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow marks a great incline in someone's career at Radio One; and a sad decline in the station itself.

That someone is Fearne Cotton.

Fearne has been chosen to replace Jo Whiley in the 10am - 1pm slot at Radio One because Jo is getting old and grey (she's 44) and Fearne is young, hip and edgy (she's off the telly).

Now, I don't know whether you've ever listened to Fearne's current show on Radio One, "The Chart Show with Fearne and Reggie", or if you've heard her fill in for Jo Whiley before, but frankly, Fearne Cotton is not a radio presenter. For a start, her voice is excruciating on the ear and what's more, she has the kind of personality that - if you were locked in a room with her - would make you pray to God that he would grant you a quick death.

Radio One think they have made a revolutionary change at the station by replacing Jo 'getting-on-a-bit' Whiley with Fearne 'coolstuffwickedman' Cotton but, in fact, they have made a big mistake. I encourage you to listen to Fearne's show in its entirety tomorrow because, only then, will you realise just how incompetent a disk-jockey she really is. Radio One think that because she's a familiar face and a household name off the telly that their young audience will be delighted that she's been given her own show and will listen to it every day. However, they'll soon realise their mistake as the listeners drop day by day as they begin to realise that they would rather stab their ears with a sharp knife than listen to Fearne Cotton talk bollocks to them for three hours.

So here's to Fearne - and I know I speak for everyone (but mainly Andy Parfitt) when I wish you a bright future at Radio One.

Prison Break: The Finale - My Viewing IN NUMBERS

2009-09-17T10:19:00.000-07:00

90 minutes of my life

7 sighs of relief

5 yawns

5 gulps in the throat

3 gasps

3 correct predictions

3 rewinds to understand WTF was going on

2 eye-rolls

1 jump up to the edge of the bed

1 tear

0 laughs

0 rounds of applause

I really don't like

2009-09-16T13:14:00.000-07:00

getting chunks of fruit in my yoghurt.

Don't mess with me Haribo

2009-09-14T11:44:00.000-07:00

I always enjoy hearing stories of people receiving (food-based) compensation for their intentionally petty (food-based) grievances. In the past I've heard stories of those who have been given overly-generous gifts from companies after they have complained about a food which is disfigured or 'doesn't taste right'. If you don't understand what I am getting at then here is a hypothetical example for you:

Man buys Doritos. Man finds square-shaped Dorito. Man complains to the Dorito manufacturer about square-shaped Dorito. Man receives life-time's supply of Doritos in the post.

I've had one successful complaint in the past. After finding bizarre, orange flakes floating around in my IRN-BRU bottle I sent it away with a letter asking for an explanation. Two weeks later I received an envelope containing an explanation, an apology and a postal-order (remember them?) for £15. In case you were wondering, the bizarre, orange flakes were, in fact, plastic. Cheers IRN-BRU.

Anyway, imagine my delight/horror when I discovered that the orange frog (pictured) in my Haribo Kiddies SuperMix didn't look the way it was meant to look. I duly complained in the most petty and snobby manner possible in the hope that I will return home from school in a few weeks time to find a box (a large box) full of Haribo Kiddies SuperMix as a rightful apology.

Here is a copy of my complaint:

Dear Sir/Madam,
I recently e-mailed regarding confectionary of yours I was utterly unsatisfied with, asking for an address so I could send you the article itself – allowing you to observe, first-hand, the rationale of my disappointment. Along with the address, you also gave me this reference number 196980 which I was to quote in any further correspondence.
I buy Haribo confectionary regularly as I believe I can trust that I will always gain great pleasure from their taste and texture. Yesterday, however, as I dug into my bag of ‘Haribo Kiddies’ SuperMix’, I discovered something which proved my belief wrong. I pulled out an orange flavoured and coloured ‘frog’ from the bag only to realise that it had not been produced as it was supposed to have been. The ‘frog’ sweet consisted merely of its traditional jelly topping BUT did not contain its distinctive and delicious white, foam base. I was horrified by this – to say the least – as your fine workers at Haribo are normally so consistent in their production of sublime confectionary.
The sweet itself has been attached along with this letter. I would certainly like some kind of explanation to compensate for the inconvenience caused. Hopefully with the evidence you will be able to prevent this from happening again and go on to produce the first class confectionary your brand is so famous for.
Thank you for your attention,
Yours sincerely,
Alexander Farrell

It takes a lot of effort to be that picky and pompous over something so incredibly insignificant so let's hope I return here in the coming weeks to inform you of my joy at a successful complaint.

DO NOT MISS 'The Surgery' tonight

2009-09-13T12:21:00.000-07:00

Aled Hayden Jones, presenter of The Sunday Surgery on Radio One and who you may know from the Chris Moyles Breakfast Show updated his Twitter with the above earlier on today.

In the past The Sunday Surgery or, 'The Surgery', as it is now known, have dealt with grave issues such as sexual abuse, domestic violence and sexual health - answering the questions of any curious listeners or helping them with any problems they may have on the issue of discussion. However, tonight's episode of The Surgery looks at a much more important and pressing matter. Tonight's episode is a debate. A debate which I (PLEASE GOD) hope is settled once and for all. That debate is:

WHO'S BETTER GIRLS OR BOYS?

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Tell me now Ally! I've been searching for the answer to this question sicne the day I was born". Well, worry not people. Aled and his helpful friends at 'The Surgery are about to put an end to this black hole in your life once and for all.

Tune in to Radio One at 10pm tonight when we will (finally) find out the answer to this vital question.

Hello there friends

2009-09-13T11:46:00.000-07:00

Well this is a bit of a lonely welcome.

I feel like I've arrived to a HILARIOUS party to find I'm the only person there. Everyone else is missing out.

Anyway, I'll just continue to write to myself.

Hello.

Thought I'd get a blog to record funny things I see, hear, do, read, write, eat, drink, kick and other verbs. Firstly, to support my memory so I can check back here every time I feel the need to laugh/cry or alternatively if I feel the need to make somebody else laugh/cry. Secondly, to make anyone who stumbles across it smile or laugh as well. That would be nice.

I hope this isn't my last post on this blog.

Goodbye.

P.S. The photo you see is my favourite photo. It's a photo of me. I am my favourite.